Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

I often hear from people who are trying to come to terms with their spouse’s affair. One of the most common questions that we all have is: why? It is an understandable question. But when you really stop to think about it, you come to realize that it is so unlikely to get an answer that actually makes sense. Very often, the spouse who cheated can’t even give himself a straight answer. So, it’s very unlikely that he is going to be able to put into words what contributed to him making such a drastic mistake.

Still, that doesn’t stop us from trying to get answers. This process is usually so painful that we come to believe that knowledge is power. We start to think that if we knew why this happened, we might keep it from happening again. That’s why it can be so disappointing when, after our spouse FINALLY gives us that answer and tries to explain “why,” he actually tells us that one of the problems was us.

Someone might explain, “It was actually quite a while before I got my husband to give me any decent answers about this affair. He would finally give me the who, what, when, and where. But he would never give me the why. I kept hounding him though. And last night, he gave it up. He said that being married to me is not always the most pleasant experience because I nag sometimes and I often get down emotionally and so I drag him down with me. He went on this long spiel about how he guessed that the affair was just some form of escape. I was pretty much speechless. He’s now trying to tell me that the affair is all my fault. Ironically, this is the very first time he’s EVER complained that I nag. I do not think that this is true. When I remind him of things, it’s because it’s something that’s very important and I can’t just let it slide. I DO get down sometimes, but that is because I am having issues dealing with my parent’s aging and illnesses. So yes, sometimes I do feel overwhelmed. But how about supporting me instead of having an affair? Is my husband just a jerk, or do all men say this?”

Many men do actually try to float this justification. And many are shut right down by their wives. I think that part of the reason that they come up with this is because it can be hard to put into words the stupid, actual reasons that men cheat. Who wants to say, “I did it because she was available and I had no impulse control.” Or “I was a complete and total idiot who didn’t use good judgement.” Or “I had no integrity whatsoever and I didn’t think that you would find out.” Or finally, “I have low self esteem and was feeling awful about myself and having someone else desire me made me feel better.” I hope I’m effectively making my point? The real reasons that people cheat often have to do with poor decision making, poor impulse control, and poor self esteem. Who wants to own up to that? It’s easier to ATTEMPT to shift the blame. No one says that you have to accept the blame, though.

My husband did attempt this with me. I was very angry at first. But after some time passed, I asked myself if there was any validity in what he was saying. I asked myself this because at that time, I was just looking to improve MYSELF. I didn’t even know if we would save our marriage. I decided that there were a few things that he said that were valid. I did work on those things. No marriage is perfect. Today, those improvements have helped our marriage. My husband made his own set of improvements. Even so, I never accepted the blame for the affair. Regardless of what I did or did not do, an affair is a choice. A person with integrity would have approached me with his gripes BEFORE he cheated. I am pretty firm on that belief and I have never changed it.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with making it clear that you are just not going to buy it. You can say, “I know that I’ve struggled emotionally because of my parents. But I am not going to buy that this makes it okay for you to cheat on me. If you were so miserable that you wanted to go elsewhere, you should have told me and given me a chance to address that. Instead, you betrayed me in the worst possible way. That isn’t acceptable. If we are ever going to heal, you are going to have to take responsibility for your actions rather than shifting the blame. I will work on my own issues, but I won’t accept the blame for your actions.”

I said some variation on this to my own husband. I am pretty sure that he expected that I would reject most of his claims. Many unfaithful spouses will try it anyway, thinking that if they can at least minimize some of the blame, that’s something. They don’t realize that they might be making it worse. I figured it was better to make it very clear that I would not accept it, so he would stop trying, which he did.  After that, he did take responsibility for his actions and I have to admit that, after some bumps in the road, he has done a good job of being accountable and fulfilling his promises. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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