Why Did My Spouse Decide To Tell Me About The Affair?
By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from folks who are confused on many different levels. On the one hand, they are struggling to process their spouse’s infidelity as best as they can. But, often, their spouse’s behaviors conflict with their verbal claims. For example, a spouse can confess to the affair and beg his spouse to give him a chance to make it right again and then turn around and act in such a way as to contradict this.
I heard from a wife who said: “to be quite honest, I did not suspect my husband of having an affair. Things were going well for us. If he hadn’t told me about the affair, I would never have guessed. But he did tell me and then he promised to make things right between us again. Well, I’m still waiting for the behavior that I expected. Because for the past couple of days, he has been almost indignant. He’s distant and he’s no longer as apologetic as he was. It’s almost as if he’s waiting for me to make the first move. Why would he even decide to tell me about the affair if he wasn’t going to do anything to make it right? Why hurt me this way if nothing is going to make this knowledge worth it?”
There are many reasons that spouses decide to come clean about the affair. Some reasons are sincere and others aren’t. I will go over some of these reasons below, as well as suggest some tips for this wife.
Sometimes, The Guilt Becomes Unbearable: It’s not uncommon for spouses to worry that they are going to be caught even if this isn’t the reality of the situation. Many times, the guilt leads them to believe that you suspect something when you really don’t. Other times, they just can not stand to live with the deception for any longer. So they figure that the best way to counter the guilt is to finally stand up and have accountability for their actions.
Sometimes, They Want To Save Their Marriage: Many spouses decide that the affair was a grave mistake and they realize that they want to save their marriage and never take their spouse for granted again. And, part of that is being honest. They don’t feel that they can be the spouse that they need and want to be if they keep this kind of secret. Many no longer want to live a lie. They want to be honest and do whatever is necessary to rebuild.
Sometimes, They Are Forced Into The Admission: I’ll offer up one final possibility. There are times when the other person or a well meaning friend or co worker decide that you need to know about the affair and they tell your husband that if he doesn’t tell you about the affair, then they will. This often leaves him without any choice, even if his original intention was to keep this to himself. I am not saying that this was the case here, but I am saying that this sometimes happens.
Where To Go From Here: I completely understood why the wife wanted to know where the admission was coming from. After all, if the husband confessed out of love or a moral obligation, then this was better than him confessing out of necessity. You can always ask that question, although I’d suggest trying not to ask it in an accusatory way.
A suggested script might be something like: “I’m starting to wonder why you ever told me about the affair. You say that you want to make it right and yet, I haven’t seen you do one thing to follow through with that. I have seen no actions or behaviors meant to show remorse or meant to help us heal. You seem to be growing distant and frustrated instead. I realize that this isn’t fun for either of us, but if we are going to move past this, then we need to take the steps necessary to make your confession worth it. Because right now, there is only pain without any rehabilitation. I need for you to take more of the initiative. I need for you to take the lead. None of this is my fault. I am trying to be patient and open to whatever plan you may have, but I need for you to take the initiative of having a plan. It makes me feel very vulnerable to have to sit here and wonder about your motivation for telling me.”
Then just stop and wait. See if your husband will offer up an explanation. If not, see if his behavior includes any positive changes. Often, spouses really do have very good intentions when they come clean. But then they become overwhelmed with shame when their partner breaks down. Once they are face to face with the pain that they have caused, they can lose their resolve and shut down. That well could be what was happening here.
This didn’t mean that the husband wasn’t sincere or that he didn’t want to save his marriage. But it meant that both might need a little patience and initiative in order for healing to occur.
As someone who learned about the affair without any confession, I can tell you that it matters when your spouse comes clean on his own. I know that you are likely analyzing every one of his actions and behaviors right now, but try to commit to taking the long view rather than the short one. Often, the guilt and sorrow contributes to him becoming emotionally flat. This is a defensive mechanism rather than a rejection. If it helps, you can read about how I was able to recover after my husband’s affair on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com
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