Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Over and over again, I’ve noticed that one thing that makes healing or picking up the pieces so difficult for faithful wives dealing with infidelity is the husband’s attitude about life with the other woman. Even if there is obvious evidence otherwise, many husbands insist that life with the other woman is happier and enhanced. Understandably, wives don’t always understand why he would make this dubious claim.

The wife might say, “After I caught my husband cheating, he begged me to take him back. He told me that he could and would drop the other woman immediately and that he wasn’t even sure what he was thinking. To be honest, I wasn’t sure what he was thinking either. I know the other woman. She’s no prize. She is a troublemaker who has been married multiple times and who has never been faithful to anyone. She is a drama queen and likely a narcissist. I told my husband that he could have her and that she was going to be nothing but trouble and heartache for him. I told him that they deserved one another. He still begged me to take him back, and I told him that there was no way in hell that I would. He told me he was well aware that he’d ruined everything he loved and that he deeply regretted his actions. This didn’t work on me. So he moved out. I have no idea where he lives or what he is doing. I only see him when he comes to visit the kids – and I don’t let him take them. He can only visit them here. I will ask him how he is doing in an attempt to be cordial, and he will go on and on about how happy he is. And he will tell the kids that he is so lucky to be with this woman, and that he has never been happier. I asked one of my husband’s male friends if he is sincere about his ‘happiness,’ and the male friend said that he had no idea. Because he and my husband really don’t discuss personal issues. This makes me suspect that all this happiness is only for my benefit. But I don’t understand why he would posture this way. Why is he acting like he’s blissfully happy with this other woman when I know that this isn’t likely? I would honestly be more likely to take him back one day in the future if he would start telling the truth instead of continuing to lie.”

There are many possible reasons, and I will list some possibilities below.

He Wants You To Regret Not Giving Him A Second Chance: Your husband was most likely being the most truthful when he was begging for your forgiveness and asking to be taken back into your life and into your home. But you didn’t give him what he wanted. You either didn’t believe in his excuses, or they weren’t enough. So he wants you to believe that you were wrong because if you do, then perhaps you will regret your own actions, and consider taking him back. In essence, he’s trying to use reverse psychology.

He Wants You To Feel That You Were Wrong Since Your Being Right Is Such A Bitter Reality: There is little worse than losing your family and your marriage to something that was wrong all along. Often, people who have affairs are left with very little if their spouse turns on them and closes the door on reconciliation. This is especially true if the affair relationship does not work out, or if he realizes that you were correct – that she did make a mess of his life, and she was a drama queen and all of the other things. The only thing worse than this reality would be admitting that you were right all along. This is too bitter of a pill to swallow, so he pretends that all is well.

He Really Wants To Believe That He Is Happy Because Facing Reality Would Ensure Deep Unhappiness: Your husband may want so badly to believe that things aren’t so bad that he’s actually trying to convince himself. If he breaks things off or admits that the other woman isn’t what he thought, he loses pretty much everything. But if he pretends that all is well and that he’s never been happier, well, at least he wins the consolation prize.

He Wants To Build The Relationship Up To Something It Is Not To Make The Risk Worth It After All: Many people build the affair or the affair partner up in their heads. It needs to be special because otherwise, their decision to risk their family would be incredibly stupid and selfish. And no one wants to admit this about themselves. Instead, they’ll try to justify their behavior by posturing that it was all worth it because look at what they have now. Statistics show us that it is very unlikely that this couple is going to live happily ever after, but the affair partners are often very reluctant to admit this. Because doing so admits defeat and admits to their own flawed thought process and behavior.

He May Truly Believe That He’s Happy: I believe that this is most definitely the least likely scenario, but I feel like I have a responsibility to mention this. It would not be unheard of for him to actually believe his spin. As I’ve already mentioned, people in affairs will generally build all of this up in their own heads to justify the cheating. And even as things begin to go south, they don’t want to admit defeat. So they’ll ignore the warning signs that are right in front of them. They’ll work harder on this relationship than they worked on their marriage because they don’t want to have to walk away with another failed relationship and prove their spouse right. This doesn’t mean that they’re actually happy, but they are invested in believing that they are.

This sort of self-delusion usually doesn’t last forever, thankfully. But the longer the cheater can believe it, the longer until he has to admit where he was wrong and how much he has lost.

I believe that you can heal despite this – or despite what he is doing and claiming – when you are ready.  You can read about how I finally healed at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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