Why Do Husbands Cheat Or Have Affairs And Say Their Wife Doesn’t Understand?
By: Katie Lersch: Both wives and women who cheat with married men wonder why unfaithful men claim that their wives do not understand them. Common comments from the “other woman” are things like: “the man who I have been cheating with told me that his wife is cold and unfeeling. He says that she doesn’t understand him and doesn’t appreciate his stress. So in my mind, I pictured her as this ice queen. And then I saw them out together but they didn’t see me. They were laughing and she had her arm around him. She certainly didn’t seem uncaring to me. It makes me wonder if he is lying about her characterization.”
Common comments from the wife are things like: “my husband had an affair with a coworker with whom I am an acquaintance. When I confronted this woman about cheating with my husband, she told me that my husband told her that I didn’t care about what he was going through at work and that I didn’t understand his struggles or what he needed. This is so ridiculous. I am a great listener. And I always make a point to ask him about his work and listen to what he says. Why would he tell this woman complete lies about me and my marriage?” I’ll try to address both sets of concerns in the following article.
Cheating Men Often Claim That Their Wives Don’t Understand Them As A Way To Justify The Infidelity To Themselves And Others: If you were to isolate any of these men and confront them about their claims, many of them will look at you with a completely straight face and tell you that they are being truthful. Honestly, in the beginning stages of the cheating or the recovery, they seem to believe what they are saying even if everyone else will insist that their wife is attentive and understanding. And I think the reason for this is that they have a very vested interest in believing what they say. In order to act and to cheat, they will often need justification for themselves and for the other person. An easy justification is to place the blame for their own actions onto their wife. After all, what man is going to say “well, I’m cheating because I’m a man without integrity who is perfectly willing to betray a wife who is indeed loving and attentive. ” No one wants to admit or believe this about themselves. Instead, they want to believe that they are acting with plenty of justification.
Men Will Often Cheat In A Vulnerable Time In Their Lives When They Distort Reality Or Use Avoidance Behavior: I don’t think it’s a coincidence that men often cheat in a time of very high stress or loss. Often, instead of facing or dealing with their problems head-on, they will use the cheating as a diversion or as a chance to make themselves feel better. Often saying that his wife doesn’t understand him is one additional way that he isn’t facing reality or trying to solve a problem in an inappropriate way rather than seeing what is the real issue.
How To Handle It If Your Husband Is Claiming He Cheated Because You Didn’t Understand Him: First of all, I know that it’s very tempting to just think he is a horrible liar who is unappreciative of all of the understanding that you have shown him which he is now choosing to ignore. If you want to save your marriage, try to ask yourself if there is any validity at all to his claims. Although I still insist that I was a great wife, now that I have some distance, I can admit that things weren’t perfect in our marriage and some of this was my doing. However, it was a while before I was willing to see this. But accepting this has had a huge positive effect on our marriage. So, if there is any validity at all to what he is saying that you can use for positive change, please consider doing that.
Also, keep in mind what I’ve said above. He’s likely trying to justify his behavior which leads him to make unrealistic claims. Nothing says that you can’t communicate that this has hurt you, but I don’t think adding on another huge problem is going to change things. You may something like: “I know that you’ve made claims that I didn’t understand you and that’s very hurtful to me. In my own mind, I was a good and attentive wife. Once some time has passed and we’ve both calmed down, I’d like to discuss your perceptions and how those might inspire some changes to improve our marriage. With that said, I’d like for you to also take a look back and ask yourself how accurate your portrayal of me really is.”
You’re trying to diffuse the situation but you are still calling him on his claims and you are laying the groundwork for making improvements in the future. You’re also asking to reevaluate. At this point, your husband might offer some apologies or insights that might help to move you forward so that you can work through this issue. And if he doesn’t, this doesn’t mean that once he has some time and distance, he won’t see things differently in the future. But please understand that you don’t have to take his claims as truth. Men who cheat will often make every attempt to justify their actions, even if they do not realize that they are doing this at the time.
Early on in our reconciliation, my husband did offer up some justifications for his behavior. I didn’t accept most of them and still don’t. But taking an honest look at both of our feelings did eventually help us to improve our marriage. It was important for me to voice that I disagreed with his assessment and this did open up a dialog that eventually helped us to begin to move forward. If it helps, you can read the whole story of our reconciliation on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/
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