Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

by: Katie Lersch: I was recently asked about the plausibility of an excuse by a wife whose husband had told her that he’d had an affair as an “escape mechanism” for the stress that was in his life at the time. 

He had recently lost his father, was worried about his job, had a health scare, and was generally just struggling with his life at the time. The wife didn’t buy any of this. Lots of people wanted an “escape” from everyday life, but not everyone chooses to cheat. And, if the husband was in fact struggling, he had a wife who would’ve been more than willing to help him through this.

This is a very valid point that few people would disagree with. Unfortunately, the husband approaching an affair can’t always see these same points, especially at the time. In the following article, I’ll attempt to take you through the thought process of a husband using an affair as an escape. 

Believe me when I say that I’m not defending these husbands. As a wife who has been cheated on, I would never do that. But, from first-hand experience, I believe that understanding the thought process can sometimes help with healing.

With that said, it can be very hard for those of us who would never, ever, be unfaithful to identify with this thinking. Infidelity is just a path that we would like to believe that we would never take. So it can be hard for us to wrap our brains around this. But I believe that having as much insight as possible is generally an advantage that we shouldn’t pass up.

Affairs As An Escape Mechanism: First of all, it’s slightly easier to buy this “escape” theory when the affair or cheating has only happened once. But, if you’re being given this excuse by a repeat offender, it becomes more difficult to buy into this. Maybe he was blindsided once, but if it keeps happening, then rehabilitation and healing are probably not taking place, and, in retrospect, one would like to think that he would learn to know better.

 Nevertheless, sometimes I do have men who tell me that they didn’t see this coming but that they learned their lesson and they never want to feel that vulnerable and helpless again. I can tell you that the vast majority of men tell me that they never set out to cheat or have an affair. It was not part of their plan. They never intended it. But usually, they will tell me that this occurred at a very bad time in their life. It’s much less common to hear of a man who had an affair when things were going absolutely wonderfully in his own life.

Many in bad situations are facing their own mortality after an illness or the loss of someone close to them. They know that they are aging. They might be worried about their job or being able to provide for their family. They may feel insignificant, incompetent, unworthy, or weak. In short, for some reason, they feel quite vulnerable and they do not like this.

Wives will very often ask me why in the world their husbands would not reach out to them during this vulnerable period. This is truly perplexing and maddening, but my theory on this has always been (and a few men have confirmed this for me) that they don’t want to admit this vulnerability to themselves

.Usually, what men tell me is that the opportunity for the affair presented itself to them. Most deny vigorously that they went looking for it and will maintain that they never had any intention of cheating on their wife. Most will tell you that this took them completely by surprise. And, many will continue in this same way to insist that they never intended for this to be a long-term thing. They counted on the fact that no one would find out, they hoped that they could feel some relief, regain their confidence and their strength, and then move on quickly and be able to cope again without anyone needing to know.

What they often don’t count on is the guilt or confusion that only adds to their problems and will begin to make their wife suspicious or at least more attentive to their struggles. And this is typically when they realize that they’ve created more problems than they have solved. Of course, unfortunately, it is now too late.

These things don’t excuse their cheating, and I don’t mean to imply an excuse. But, I do think that it can help to understand their “escapism” thought process because it is often quite real in their own mind, although it typically doesn’t make as much sense to wives.

My husband had various excuses for his cheating. And it took quite a while to sort out what the most prevailing contributing factors were, but doing so was quite important in order for me to have confidence that I could trust again. It also helps for both people to address their own personal struggles as much as possible, since vulnerable people are more likely to cheat.  Thankfully, he was willing to do the work and we are pretty solid today.  You can read the whole story at https://surviving-the-affair.com