Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Most people understand why the faithful spouse is angry after infidelity. They have every right to be. They were the spouse who was lied to, betrayed, and disrespected. But few people understand why the cheating spouse would get angry. This is often true of the cheating spouse herself. Understandably, these spouses are confused about their anger and question whether they have a right to it. So most often, they will attempt to tamp it down, hide it, or deny it altogether.

Someone might say, “I find myself walking on eggshells in my own home and my fist are constantly clenched. You’d think that I was the innocent party with the way that I am acting. You would think that I was the one who was wronged. But it’s not true. I am the one who cheated. And I know that I am an idiot. I always assumed that my husband would be the one to cheat on me. I always wondered how I would handle it because I’ve seen so many of my girlfriends struggle, and my heart has broken for them. Instead, I am the one who brought about this pain. I am the one who was sucked into a relationship and a reality that wasn’t real. And I am the one who is left behind now to clean up this colossal mess. My husband has every right to view me with scrutiny. He has every right to keep me at arm’s distance. But it’s a really awful existence in our home right now. Our lives are filled with endless tension, and it doesn’t feel like it will ever end. Still, I don’t completely understand why I’m so angry. I am the one who cheated. And I deserve every negative emotion that comes my way.”

I would never assume to know what anyone else feels (or even why they feel the way that they do.) But I do know that it’s normal to feel a huge range of emotions following the affair, including anger – regardless of whether you are the faithful and the cheating spouse.

Disappointment Can Lead To Anger: People who are aware that cheating was a grave mistake are often very disappointed in their judgment, their impulse control, and their behavior. They know that their actions have caused pain and damage. And most of the time, they know that most of this is their fault (even if they aren’t outwardly admitting this to even themselves.) In these types of situations, self-anger might be directed outward, especially if it’s painful to admit these truths to yourself. In reality, though, no one is as angry at you as yourself.

Frustration At “No End In Sight” Can Also Cause Anger: Many people who have committed infidelity feel trapped or stuck in a nearly unbearable situation. Understandably, their spouses don’t trust them and are hurt and angry. And they’re in a situation where they have to face what could possibly be their biggest mistake each and every day in the face of the people they’ve hurt.

They know that they may deserve the situation that they find themselves in. But that doesn’t mean that the situation is bearable. Often, they look around and realize that this type of hell might last for a very long time and it can feel as if there is no way out. Understandably, this would make anyone feel a combination of frustration and anger.

Beginning To Heal Or Regaining A Sense Of Control In Any Capacity Can Be A Balm For Anger: I can only speak for myself. And I was admittedly the faithful spouse. But my anger began to abate a bit when I was able to re-establish at least a minimal sense of control. When I felt like I was at the mercy of other people’s actions and mistakes, I felt rage. And this lasted for a while. But as I began to heal and see that there just might be light at the end of the tunnel, it was easier to begin to let go of some of that anger.

Until then, I had to get good at channeling the anger. I would have intense workouts or creative work sessions to direct my anger so that I wasn’t turning it toward other innocent members of my family.

How To Control What You Can: Admittedly, you can’t force your spouse to forgive you. And you can’t control what decisions he will make moving forward. But you can try to show up for your spouse. You can make good on your claims of accountability. You can do what is asked of you and have the patience to hope that these things will eventually matter.

You can make sure that your behavior is something that you can be proud of moving forward. You can attend counseling – alone if your spouse refuses to go, but together if he is willing.

You can’t change the past, but you can most certainly and without any doubt have a say in your future.

Use The Anger As Fuel: I know that it’s painful to sit with your anger. But what if you could make it work for you? What if you could use it as fuel to take an active role in recovery and healing?

Again, I can’t speak for anyone else’s experiences other than my own, but I can tell you that although I get angry about normal, everyday things from time to time, my anger about infidelity is no longer constantly bubbling under the surface. Sure, the stray memory or anniversary will still cause me to have a bad day here and there. But I am no longer in a constant state of despair and uncertainty. I am not sure how long the anger would have lasted if I’d not been able to get resolution, healing, or a sense of control. But I know that all of these things helped. (You can read about my recovery at https://surviving-the-affair.com)

I know it can feel as if this is never going to end. But it does. You can try to bring about this end earlier by taking responsibility, and doing whatever you feel is necessary and right to bring about closure and/or forgiveness. Honestly, it won’t be an easy or fast process. You may get rejected initially. You may get tired of having to repeat the process over and over. But when you finally get to the other side, the work is worth it.

I often have people tell me that they don’t know how they’ll ever forgive and trust themselves after this. I believe the only way to do this is to work tirelessly to become a person who is worthy of forgiveness and trust so that you can more easily accept these things once they are offered. Once this happens, you’ll likely feel a good deal of relief.

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