Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

If you are a wife who is dealing with the aftermath of an affair, it’s probably safe to assume that your self-esteem has taken a hit. Your husband’s choice to be with someone other than you hurts, even if it was only temporary or in secret. You may intellectually know that you are beautiful, smart, and accomplished, but most wives end up doubting themselves, at least somewhat.

As much as we tear ourselves down, we tend to build the other woman up. We will often give her attributes that she may not even have. We’ll assume that she has some magical allure over our husband, from which he can’t seem to break away. Strangely, some of us assume this even when our husband hasn’t shown any inclination to stay in contact with her. He has broken it off, says he wants to save the marriage, and claims to be willing to do whatever is necessary to regain your trust. Still, you just can’t shake the fear that he would go back to her if he could.

A wife might explain, “honestly, the woman who my husband cheated with isn’t all that special to look at. I’ve looked her up on social media. She is just average. What she does seem to have, however, is a ridiculous amount of confidence and exhibitionism. Perhaps this lured my husband to her. I’m pretty shy and reserved. I perceive that her personality is the opposite of mine. My husband tells me that none of this is true. He says he loves me and that I am who he wants. To my knowledge, he is not in contact with her and he’s been reasonably attentive to me. He has offered to go to couple’s counseling. On the surface, he seems to be doing everything right. So why can’t I stop thinking that he would go back to her if he could? Why do I think that if he had never gotten caught, he’d still be with her? I can’t shake the idea that if a divorce wouldn’t cost him, he’d give into his feelings of still wanting her.”

What Is Behind These Suspicions: What you are feeling is very common. You don’t trust his claims of being over the affair or wanting to be with you because he was not truthful while he was cheating. And he has some powerful motivations to remain married.

Why The Affair Has To Do Less With Her (And You) Than You Believe: I want you to understand something that I completely believe is both true and very important. A man’s affair often has everything to do with the man and his own personal and internal struggles and very little to do with the women involved – the other woman and the wife.

I know it’s easy to think that you are faulty and she is alluring. But this is very likely untrue. Yes, he may have THOUGHT that she was alluring because he was seeking an escape from his personal struggles through her. So he tried to quiet his issues by building her or the relationship up. These sorts of mind tricks make the cheating possible to carry out. This is why men can initially think that they’ve developed feelings for the other woman but promptly realize that they were wrong once they seek counseling or begin to fix their personal, individual issues.

How To Move Past This: Even when you know and understand these truths, you can still worry that he secretly wants her. I only know a few effective remedies for this: time, healing your marriage, and rebuilding your self-esteem.

In time, you will see that he remains with you and has never looked back. Unfortunately, you can’t hurry this part of the process. But in the meantime, you can attempt to strengthen your marriage and rebuild the trust. When you and your husband are re-connected and firing on all cylinders, you will be more confident that he has no reason to look elsewhere. It is also very important for both you and your husband to do self-work. He needs it to fix whatever personal issues lead to his cheating. And your self-work will help you restore your self-esteem and prioritize yourself.

I have been covering affairs for quite some time. In my observation, if a husband really wants to continue to be with the other woman, he will find a way and you will discover this soon enough. If time goes by and he has not resumed contact or gone back to her and is continuing to stand by you, then continuing to fear the worst does no good. It just means that you experience pain that is likely unnecessary and premature. It means that you may be doubting your husband when you don’t need to.

Your fears are normal, but they don’t serve you. Focus on yourself, on your own well-being, and on regaining what you lost. Control what you can. And know that statistics are on your side. Most marriages survive affairs. However, not all of these surviving marriages are as happy as we want them to be. Continuing to dwell on the other woman is one thing that can definitely cut into your happiness. So try to focus on those things that bring you relief, peace, and eventually, joy. The rest has no place in your life right now. You’re dealing with enough without continuing to allow worries about her into your life. You can read about my own healing process after my husband’s affair here: http://surviving-the-affair.com

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