Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: There are many reactions a wife might have to her husband’s cheating. It’s not uncommon to act in a way that you think might be uncharacteristic of you. Normally stoic wives might momentarily feel as if they’ve lost their minds. Wives who are normally even-tempered may become obsessed with revenge.  

But one unexpected reaction that seems to surprise wives more than others is desire. This often catches a wife off guard. Why in the world would she want to be intimate with a husband who has been intimate with someone else?

A wife in this situation might say, “Part of my reaction to my husband’s cheating is both confusing and somewhat disturbing to me. I am furious with him, of course. And I’m going through all of the other emotions that I’d expect to feel, like shock, sadness, and anger. But another emotion that I’m feeling is desire. I almost initiated sex with him last night. And today, I almost hate myself for it. I have no idea what came over me, or why in the world I’d even consider it. What is wrong with me that I’d even consider having sex with this man so soon after I found out that he was cheating? I’m almost ashamed of myself, even though I’m not the one who has done anything wrong.”

There is nothing wrong with you. And believe it or not, this is not an uncommon reaction. I have some theories as to why it happens, and I’ll discuss them below in the hopes that they might make you feel a little bit better.  

There’s No Perfect Response to a Cheating Spouse: 

There is no right or wrong response to finding out that your husband is cheating. You’re justified in feeling whatever you feel, and you can have very contradictory emotions. This doesn’t mean that anything is wrong with you. It just means that you are trying to process this. 

A Desire to Stake your Claim: 

I believe it’s possible that even as we’re absolutely furious with our husbands and may even question if we want to stay married to him, we might also have an innate desire to stake our claim. After all, just a short time ago, we believed he was solely ours. And now, we may begin to doubt that, even if we aren’t sure that we still want him.

A Desire to Feel Desired:  

I can tell you firsthand that your self-esteem can take a beating when you find out your husband has been cheating. His infidelity can feel like a rejection. So having sex with him can be a way to prove to yourself that you are still very desirable.

A Grab for Power: 

In the same way that sex can be an affirmation for feeling desired, it can also have power. Holding sexual desire over your husband can make you feel like you still have some power over him at a time when you might feel powerless.

A Need to Reconnect:  

Even if you aren’t sure what you want to do tomorrow or next week, it can be impossible to completely turn off your feelings for this man. Even the deepest fury doesn’t ensure that your emotions just dissipate. It might make life easier if they did. But they don’t. Sometimes, even beneath the anger, there is a desire to connect outside of the hurt. 

Deciding Where to Go From Here:  

There are no rules that I can recite for you in this situation. Everyone is different. Some people are able to separate sex and the health of the relationship. Other people think that having sex with him now would mean condoning his behavior or would make recovery confusing. 

There is no right or wrong answer. There is just what is right or wrong for you. In my own case, I felt that sex would just confuse and complicate things. And so I took it off of the table while we were in recovery.  

I knew that if I had sex with my husband before I recovered, I would simply be thinking about the other woman the entire time. And bad sex during recovery would just make me more confused and discouraged.

Yet, I know some people who never paused their sex life during recovery. They were completely able to separate the sex and the recovery. And that worked for them because both people were clear that having sex didn’t mean that their problems were solved. If you can do this and both people feel fine about it, then you won’t get any lectures from me.  

That said, I believe that self-care is very important after infidelity. Give yourself permission to do the things that make you feel cared for. It helps to be very clear on what you’re going to need to heal and to then make no apologies for going after those things until you get them.

Sex doesn’t mean that your husband doesn’t have rehabilitation in front of him. It hopefully doesn’t mean that you’ll sidestep recovery. It’s completely up to you as to whether you want to act on this desire, but you shouldn’t beat yourself up for having it. I believe that it’s normal and understandable. 

I had the desire too. But I waited to act on it. That was just what felt right to me at the time. You can read more about my recovery at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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