Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: Because of my past history with infidelity and the upkeep of this blog, I can’t tell you how often I think and talk about why men actually cheat on their wives. And I believe that I have an accurate answer, but it may surprise some people.

 See, most folks assume that when a married man cheats, it’s because there’s something wrong with the marriage. They think the husband is bored with his wife, their sex life is dull, or the other woman is somehow younger and therefore better – or more attractive. Some even believe that the wife doesn’t understand, appreciate, or shower enough time and attention on her long-suffering husband.

I’ve spoken with many men who have cheated, as well as wives who have been cheated on. And I’ve seen many couples grapple with the aftermath of cheating. Based on this and my own experience, my take is completely different. 

Inward, Not Outward: Honestly, I think most men would be pretty happy to believe the assumptions that I listed above. Why? Because it takes the blame off of them. It means that they don’t have to look within themselves. It’s more comfortable to look outward than inward.

Because here is what I believe is the truth. The underlying cause of infidelity often lies within the man himself. It’s not about the wife or the marriage at all. It’s actually about the man and what is going on inside of him. 

Doubts and Self-Esteem-Issues: More often than not, cheating husbands are driven by doubts and issues about themselves rather than doubts about or within their marriage. It’s not exactly a coincidence that infidelity often occurs during times of personal stress or crisis. 

Many husbands, whether they want to admit it themselves are not, are in a situation where they are worrying that they’re no longer as desirable, successful, or worthy as they once were. 

So it’s a no-brainer that when someone comes along offering attention, reassurance, or flattery, those things will appear to be an alluring solution to this self-doubt. 

So he takes the bait, believing that no one will find out or be hurt. Unfortunately, that’s rarely the case. The wife finds out, she is hurt beyond description. But of course, at the moment, he’s not thinking about the consequences. 

And when he’s caught his self-esteem, unfortunately, takes another hit, amplifying his doubts and making him more likely to be indignant – making things worse.

That’s not to say that issues within the marriage have no role in his cheating. It would be naive to deny that they can’t be a contribution. But I believe that it’s often the internal issues that are the driving force, and therefore the husband will make the marital problems appear worse than they really are because he wants to justify his cheating. 

This is why I often tell wives that it’s more about feeling appreciated and understood than it is about sex or intimacy. Ultimately, it all boils down to how he feels about himself.

Influences from Male Peers and Culture: Studies and statistics show that men with friends or male family members who cheat are more likely to cheat themselves. So, your senses are telling you that something is off with your husband, and you suspect him of cheating, take a closer look at his friends, uncles, and father. 

Sometimes, men are unfortunately surrounded by family, friends, and coworkers who consider infidelity a normal part of life and are able to separate it from the love they feel for their wives. 

They may claim to be happily married and deeply in love, but they still cheat because their cultural upbringing tells them that physical cheating is perfectly fine as long as there’s no emotional involvement.

Does the Why Really Matter?: A wife might ask, “Why am I so obsessed with understanding exactly why he cheated? Shouldn’t the fact that he betrayed me be the main focus? I don’t know if I’ll ever recover.” 

I understand her perspective completely. But for wives, it can be incredibly challenging to comprehend how their husbands can claim to love them and still cheat. It’s a struggle because they would never behave that way. 

For example, I don’t care about the circumstances. I can tell you unequivocally that I would never cheat on my husband. It just would not ever happen no matter what. And that is why my mind has a hard time wrapping my head around why he would do that to me.

But let me be clear: I’m not here to defend men who cheat. I’ve been through the pain of betrayal, so I would never defend such actions. It is a choice – regardless of the reason for the internal struggles. There is always a choice. 

However, I do believe that understanding the why can help in the healing process. Knowing what you’re dealing with allows you to make informed decisions about how you want to move forward. It’s important to realize that a man’s cheating is often not the wife’s fault. Even happily married men with beautiful and attentive wives can cheat due to low self-esteem, internal crisis, poor impulse control, and societal messages and norms. 

So, there’s no reason for any wife to blame herself or her marriage for her husband’s cheating. And there is no reason for her to feel “less than” or to beat herself up. Because in actuality, it was her husband who was flawed. Not her. Not her marriage.

If you can see your husband as someone who was grappling with insecurities, aging, and crisis, it could possibly help in dealing with him moving forward – assuming that you are still invested in having a relationship with him, which is completely and totally up to you.

Whatever you decide is perfectly valid. You get to decide what works for you. There are no right or wrong answers. You get to think about your own well-being, wishes, and requirements.

I ultimately decided I wanted to heal my marriage and I haven’t regretted it. (You can read more about that here.)  We are still married today and I’m much happier with him than I would be without him.  But everyone has to make that choice from themselves.

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