Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I’m asked this question all of the time: “Why did my husband cheat on me? Our marriage is decent. I am a good wife.” And honestly, the answer usually surprises people. Because most assume that a man steps outside of his marriage because something is terribly wrong in the relationship. Or something is terribly wrong with the wife. They believe the wife must have done something wrong, or that the other woman was just too tempting. That the marriage got boring, or the sex dried up. He was a typical man due to these circumstances. I understand why people think this. It’s a narrative we hear all the time.

But after years of hearing from wives (and husbands) dealing with unexpected affairs—and after living through this myself—I can tell you that the truth is usually much more complicated. And often, it’s not about the wife, or even the marriage, at all. I know you may be doubting this, but I’ll explain why.

It’s Often About Him—Not You: In my experience, many married men cheat not because their wives failed them, but because they are struggling within themselves. They feel uncertain. Insecure. Lost. Maybe they’ve hit a certain age and are questioning their worth or their success. Maybe life didn’t turn out the way they expected. Maybe they’re just feeling invisible—and they want to feel like “someone” again. They want, desperately want, to be SEEN.

When someone else comes along and makes them feel powerful, desirable, or needed, and yes, SEEN, that pull can be very strong—especially if their sense of self is already shaky. It doesn’t excuse what they did. But it can explain it. And for many wives, that’s a crucial step toward healing—understanding that this was about his brokenness, not your shortcomings. If you can see him as a sort of victim of his own shortcomings, even better.

His Friends and Male Role Models Might Be Part of the Problem, Too: Something else I see over and over again? The men who cheat often have other men around them who do the same. Maybe it’s a coworker who brags about his flings, or a friend who casually dismisses infidelity as “normal.” Maybe it’s a dad or uncle who modeled the same behavior. And if those men are saying things like, “It’s just sex—it doesn’t mean anything,” your husband might start to believe that lie, too. After all, this kind of behavior is all around him. It’s normalized. Faithful men look weird and undesirable to the bro code.

A lot of men I hear from never had any intention of leaving their wives. They intend for every single thing to remain the same. They still see themselves as a family man. As a good husband. Many insist that they love their wives deeply—even as they’re cheating. It’s like they compartmentalize it, and that can be extremely hard for a wife to understand. And yet, it’s more common than you think.

Does It Really Matter Why He Did It?: A woman once told me, “I’m obsessing over why he cheated. But does it really matter? He still betrayed me. Isn’t that the point? At the end of the day, I have told him that it is a dealbreaker.” And I understood exactly what she meant. When your whole world has been turned upside down, the pain of what happened can feel much more important than the reasons behind it.

But in my own healing, and in talking with countless other women, I’ve come to believe that understanding the “why” can help. It helps you let go of unnecessary self-blame. It helps you see that your husband’s infidelity may have had more to do with his personal issues than with anything you did or didn’t do. It wasn’t you. It wasn’t your marriage.  It wasn’t some lack where you were concerned. It wasn’t your fault.

And that shift in perspective? It’s powerful.

Even If You Never Understand Or Believe The “Why,” You Can Still Heal – At Least In My Experience: When I was in the thick of this, I honestly didn’t believe my marriage could survive. I wasn’t sure I could survive. But now, years later, my marriage is not only intact—it’s stronger. And I am stronger. I took the time to understand what happened. I worked on myself. I rebuilt my self-esteem. And I stopped letting someone else’s choices define how I saw myself. I accepted that it was HIM. It was not ME. And I will not claim it. He can.

If you’re in this place right now, please know that healing doesn’t always come from trying to control him or even fully understanding his reasoning. It often comes from turning inward and reclaiming your own peace, strength, and self-worth. It comes from knowing that, no matter what brought you to this, you can deal with it accordingly. And you can demand that he do the work, too.

You can read more of my personal story—and how I helped my marriage survive—at http://surviving-the-affair.com.

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