Why Do Some People Think Adultery is Exciting?
By: Katie Lerch: For people who do not and would not cheat on their spouse, adultery is a confusing topic. Many of us have known (and even loved) someone who cheated and who just couldn’t seem to control themselves. That person might have even perceived the cheating behavior as exciting, energizing, or mesmerizing. And this can be very confusing to people who don’t behave this way.
A faithful wife might say, “About five years ago, I became friends with a mom at my son’s preschool. We became quite close. And after some time, she confided in me that she was having an affair. She was absolutely giddy as she would recount how she would sneak around and meet this man all over town. She didn’t seem to feel much guilt at all. She was mostly just happy. However, when her husband found out, she took no time at all to decide that she’d rather save her family. She gave the affair up, but sometimes, she talked about it longingly, like something she missed very much.”
“Ironically, all these years later, I am going through the same thing with my husband. But I am the faithful spouse. It is my husband who was walking around the house giddy and like a schoolboy. I knew that something was up because he was acting so weird. And he too, had that same excited look in his eyes that my friend had. He too seemed hyped up on adrenaline. But just like my friend, when I told him that I would leave him, he ended the affair, or so he said. And he’s acting like he gave something up. I don’t understand. I guess I am just a different sort of person, but lying to someone I love and sneaking around would only make me anxious. No relationship or person would make me act that way. That’s just ignoring good sense and common decency. I just don’t get what’s so exciting about behavior as deplorable as adultery.”
I’m completely with you. I was the faithful spouse, and I’ve never cheated on anyone in my life – nor would I. I too am highly anxious when it comes to wrongdoing. I would feel like I was going to be caught the whole time. I would feel guilty the whole time. So I’d get absolutely no enjoyment out of it.
But everyone is different. And I’ve spoken with people who have affairs. I believe I understand at least some of why they feel energized by the adultery. I’ll attempt to explain it below.
It’s Something New and Novel: Many of us get into repetitive habits in our lives. We have to do the same tasks in our jobs, in our chores, and sometimes, it feels like – in our relationships. This isn’t necessarily anyone’s fault. It takes all of these things to keep food on the table and a roof over our heads. No one is at fault for their necessary habits.
But, for some, these habits can make life feel dull. So when something new and novel comes along, that can feel exciting. The irony of this, of course, is that no relationship can be “new” forever. Common sense will tell you that eventually, the relationship will run its course and it will feel every bit as much like a habit as the marriage. Of course, most people do not have the insight to see this at the time, unfortunately.
It’s Forbidden: Do you remember when you were a toddler and the thing you weren’t supposed to touch was the very thing you wanted to touch? Even if that thing could hurt you? It was so tempting because it was forbidden. Of course, none of us are toddlers anymore, and we should know better. But for some, it is really the same principle. They know they shouldn’t be doing it. They know they could be caught. So that makes it seem more alluring – at least at first. Of course, once they are caught, that will often break the spell. They realize that they could lose their family. And they see how foolish they were to allow that type of risk.
They Convince Themselves that the Adultery is Exciting or Special: I believe that there’s one thing that many people don’t appreciate as a big contributing factor to an affair – availability. Quite often, the other person is simply available when the spouse is vulnerable. It’s somehow a perfect storm at an unfortunate time. And, because it just sort of falls into the spouse’s lap and they want to take advantage of it, they will try to convince themselves of all sorts of things to justify their adultery.
They’ll convince themselves that there is a flaw with the marriage even if this isn’t true. They’ll try to tell themselves that there is something special about the other person even though there usually isn’t. ( In fact, if it had been another person available at the time, then the affair would have likely taken place with a completely different person) Finally, the spouse having an affair has a vested interest in convincing themselves that the affair is oh-so-exciting because they want justification for carrying it out.
That doesn’t mean that any of those things are true. It just means that the spouse wants to believe it.
I am not listing these things because I want you to believe or buy any of them. I am with you that I couldn’t participate in them, either. But I do want to try to help you understand that there is nothing wrong with you. And that you did nothing wrong. This excitement the cheating spouse thinks they feel isn’t a lack on your part. It’s fooling themselves on their part.
That’s why I strongly suggest doing everything in your power to care for yourself and restore your self esteem, if necessary. You are not broken. You are not the problem. And for many people, adultery isn’t exciting. It’s painful. However, I believe you can heal because I have done it. You can read more at https://surviving-the-affair.com
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