Why Does He Cheat And Stay With His Wife?
I sometimes hear from women who have unfortunately been having an affair with a married man. Many of them have attempted to entice him to leave his wife (or at least to give them some reassurances that there is a future ahead.) The husband may be telling this other woman that he cares for her. He may tell her that his marriage isn’t fulfilling. And yet, he stays in that same marriage, seemingly unwilling to budge. The other woman may struggle to understand this.
She might say, “I know that the man that I am seeing loves me. I can see it in how he interacts with me and lights up when he sees me. He constantly complains about his wife. I have even seen them together before and he looked bored and miserable with her. We’ve been at this for over a year. One of my friends says that this is probably not the first time that he has cheated on his wife. The other day, I got frustrated and told him that I wanted for us to be together all of the time. I admit that I raised my voice at him and I regret this. But I am starting to feel taken advantage of. He told me that us being together wasn’t going to happen anytime soon because there are things that I don’t understand – like how important his family is to him. Why would a man cheat on his wife if he wants to just stay married to her? If he is unwilling to change anything, why cheat?”
The Various Reasons That Men Cheat Without Any Long-Term Plan: These are very good questions, and I suspect that you are going to get different answers to these questions, depending upon who you ask. I can certainly tell you my theory, but I am biased. I see things from the perspective of a researcher, a writer, and a wife who has dealt with infidelity. Men cheat for various reasons. I’ve seen happily married men cheat because they can. Or, because they feel bad or uneasy about themselves and their situations, they are looking for a way to relieve stress and to feel better. Other people cheat because they have poor impulse control. Some cheat as a form of risky behavior that gives them a bit of a high and makes them feel alive. Still others cheat as a form of self-sabotage because they don’t feel worthy of their spouse or families. In that way, they’re trying to address their low self-esteem or their struggles. It’s no wonder that many men cheat in midlife or at a time where they have a large amount of stress or self-doubt.
The Unfair Reality Of This: Unfortunately, the reality above is almost never how the married men present things to the woman with whom they are cheating with. They don’t tell her the whole and true story, which is unfair. But if you look up statistics about affairs, you’ll see that many men honestly admit that they never intended to leave their wife or their marriage. Most of them even claim to have happy marriages. Of course, this ISN’T what they tell the other woman. Instead, they tell her that their marriage is on its last legs. They might even tell her that they are separating. Why do they tell these lies? Because they know that most women would balk at the idea of cheating with someone with whom there was no future and with a guy who was already in a happy relationship. Who would want to waste their time and energy in this way?
I hate to put this so bluntly, but if you don’t believe me, look up statistics on infidelity and marriage. You will see that most couples stay married even after the affair. This happens because, much of the time, both parties choose to stay because they still want their marriage. Yes, there is hard work after the decision to stay. And it can take real effort to get these marriages to a healthy place again. But many of these marriages do not end because of the affair.
So my short answer to the question is that he stays with his wife because he never intended to leave her in the first place, despite what he may have claimed. Or he may legitimately be unhappy, but he has enough love and commitment to her to try to work out whatever is wrong in the marriage. He may want to have his cake and eat it too. Many men lie to both their wives and to the other woman. He will paint a picture of a celibate life at home where he’s miserable and lonely when in reality he is regularly having sex with his wife and willingly participating in a happy family life. He has frankly told you that nothing is going to change with your relationship anytime soon. If this is not a red flag, I’m not sure what is. I know that perhaps this is not what you wanted to hear since you appear to want a future with this man. But don’t you deserve someone who will only be faithful to (and in a relationship with) you? Don’t you deserve the loyalty that he’s not giving either you or his wife?
My husband has repeatedly claimed that he never intended to leave our family during his affair. This is convenient, of course, but after extensive counseling and healing, I came to believe him. If he hadn’t been committed to our family, he wouldn’t have hung in there after everything I put him through after his affair. The sad truth is, he just intended to have a quick, convenient fling that he hoped no one would learn about during a difficult time in his life. The other woman wasn’t interested in anything lasting anyway, but my husband wasn’t looking to leave, and he’s not unusual in this. Most men aren’t looking for an escape. They are looking for a diversion and then they plan to return to their life. There’s more at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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