Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are confused and frustrated that their husband seems to be concerned about what the other woman thinks of him – even after the affair is supposedly over. This concern makes the wife wonder why he even cares and if this is yet one other thing that she needs to worry about in a time where she is already having to deal with multiple things that cause a great deal of pain and stress.

I might hear a comment like: “when I found out that my husband was cheating on me with a woman from our school car pool, I told him that he had to break off all contact immediately. This meant that we dropped out of the car pool at once. I sat in our kitchen while my husband was on the phone with her. He kept the conversation very short. He told her that he now realized that the affair was wrong and that it had to end. He said that he had decided to work on his marriage and therefore, they couldn’t see each other anymore and this included in the car pool. My husband told her that we would find a way to get our kids to school on our own. I could hear her trying to talk to him on the other end of the phone, but every time she tried to say something, he repeated that he had to end things. I thought that this was the end of it until I saw an email that he sent her. It basically said that it hoped that she didn’t think too badly of him but that he felt that he had to do what was right. He said that he knew that us dropping out of the car pool was going to be a huge inconvenience for everyone and he stressed that he was sorry about this. He then said that he hoped she didn’t think that he was too much of a creep and he hoped that her life would be a good one. He never asked her to contact him back, but now I’m worried that this is exactly what is going to happen. Why does he feel the need to make this OK with her? Why feel the need to make amends? Since she was driving our son to school and dropping him off at the home we shared, then she very obviously knew that he was married and that she was putting a family in jeopardy. So why does my husband care what she thinks? Is he just trying to get her to correspond back to him?”

This May Mean That He Has A Conscience Rather Than An Ulterior Motive: I had no way to know what the husband’s intentions were. (And I’d certainly suggest that you continue to monitor the situation closely.) But, this is not an uncommon situation. Often, the husband is understandably forced to break things off quite suddenly. And although us faithful wives wish that he could just turn his back without a second thought, he often has a hard time doing that because he feels as if he has been somewhat cruel and uncaring by just breaking things off with no negotiation and no real warning. He can feel that this is a little harsh. And he probably feels like he is dealing with two women who think that he is a jerk. But, he figures that he has a lifetime in which to prove to you that this isn’t true. However, he may also know that he doesn’t have this same luxury with the other woman. So, he just wants to quickly touch base with her and explain or apologize a little further.

Does this mean that he’s trying to remain in touch with her? Not necessarily. But it can’t hurt to continue to monitor this situation and to initiate a conversation about it. You might consider something like: “I wasn’t sure whether to bring this up or not, but I decided to go ahead and bring it out in the open. And the reason for this decision is that while we are recovering from the affair, we both need to be completely honest with one another. And I am committed to that. I wasn’t attempting to spy on you. But I did inadvertently see that you sent the other women an email. While it wasn’t inappropriate in terms of what you said, the fact that you said anything at all concerns me greatly. I want to be clear that, now that you have said your peace, I don’t want there to be anymore contact with her. And this is true even if she should write you back. This may well be painful and awkward for everyone but, in order to give us the best chance to heal, this is the way that it needs to be. Can I count on you to live up to your promises? I can respect that you didn’t want to be cruel and you wanted for her to understand where you were coming from, but it has to end here. Because it really shouldn’t matter what she thinks of you. It should matter what I think of you. And right now, I am struggling with understanding your motivations. Can you clarify why you sent that email and where we go from here?”

The husband may well respond by being defensive. This is relatively normal. What is most important is that he understands that you aren’t trying to attack or engage with him. You are clarifying that the contact needs to stop. Now that he’s had the final word and attempted to make amends, then it is time for you both to move on.  This means that both of you place your focus on moving toward your own marriage and fully away from the past.  If it helps, you can read about how I attempted to handle a similar situation on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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