Why Does My Husband Refuse To Say Anything Bad About The Other Woman?
By: Katie Lersch: When your husband has cheated on you, it’s very easy to direct most of your rage and anger toward the other woman. After all, she’s convenient. You probably don’t have to look at and interact with her every day (while the same is not true for your husband.) And, she deserves it. Most people agree that a woman who cheats with a married man is not exactly virtuous or above criticism. That’s why it can be hard for wives to understand why the husband doesn’t agree (or even join in) when there are very harsh words said about the other woman.
You might hear it expressed this way: “I find the woman who my husband cheated with deplorable. She knows me. She knows that I am struggling with my ill mother and she knows that my husband’s job loss has put a lot of stress on our family. She knows that my family is very vulnerable right now and that, with all that is going on, I’m just juggling things as best as I can but I am struggling just the same. Instead of offering me a helping hand, this woman cheated with my husband. What kind of low-life does this? What kind of unfeeling monster can see her friend treading water and not throw a life raft but instead attempt to ride off in the sunset with this friend’s husband? To me, the other woman is a hideous, deplorable, cruel creature who is no better than a common thief. She is uneducated and stupid. She is not attractive and is overweight. But when I say these things, my husband doesn’t automatically agree with me. He basically just stares at me blankly. He seems to understand that he shouldn’t defend the other woman. But he also seems to refuse to say anything negative or bad about her. Why? Does this mean that he thinks that she is an honorable person above reproach, because that is obviously not true? Does he still want to be with her? I don’t get it.”
Pondering His Thought Process: Obviously, any guesses that I make here are going to be just that – guesses. I can’t guess as to this husband’s mind set. But I can base any theories on comments that I usually get from married men in this same situation.
Many of these husbands will say that they don’t think that it is going to do them any good or benefit them in any way to talk about or debate the other woman. They are afraid that you are going to twist their words around or are going to become angry with them no matter what words they use. So, they figure it is more beneficial to them not to say anything at all.
They often don’t completely appreciate how their silence is almost worse than any words that they could say. Because they underestimate how you will sometimes assume the worst even when they don’t say anything. I suppose that it is possible that he might feel defensive of the other woman. I suppose that he may know in his heart that he pursued her somewhat or that she didn’t set out maliciously to hurt anyone. But I don’t think that you should just assume this.
Evaluating His Silence: His silence doesn’t necessarily mean that he still wants to be with her or that he thinks that she is a wonderful person with a good character traits. He may not be sure exactly what he is feeling or what he thinks of her, so he keeps silent. Or, he may actually agree with you, but think that it would be wrong of him to just pile on. He may also not be saying anything because he worries that your words for her may also be the words that you have for him. And he is afraid or reluctant to hear those words.
Whatever the reason, if you need to hear more from him in this regard, then you may want to speak up. You may not have success with demanding that your husband speak poorly of her. But you might want to try something like: “I can’t help but notice that every time I express a negative opinion about her, you stare at your shoes and refuse to say a word. This bothers me. Since you say nothing, I end up assuming that deep down, you are almost defending her. Or, I assume that you think that she is a wonderful person who acted honorably. This is so hard for me. I don’t understand this. Can you help me out and share with me why you clam up every time I talk about her?”
The hope is that he will speak honestly, or at least try to. This may not happen all at once, but at least you would have encouraged him to communicate verbally because you’ve told him that you need more. It’s common that as the tension begins to lessen and he feels more safe and secure in speaking, you will see him open up more and more.
I do understand why you feel a certain betrayal when he doesn’t agree with you. I get it. But I’d suggest trying to take the focus away from her and placing it onto yourself. You can read more my own healing process after my husband’s affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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