Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: There is a subset of unfaithful husbands who seem to believe that they aren’t actually cheating if they don’t ever admit to or accept it. They figure if they can keep tap-dancing around and never give their wives a firm confirmation that yes, they’ve been cheating, then they’re in the clear.

Of course, very few wives are willing to accept this type of standoff. In her heart and even in her head, she knows he’s cheating. She may have all but caught him red-handed. She knows it. And he knows that she knows it. But he refuses to even come close to confirming it.

She might say, “for the last three months, my husband has had an inappropriate and unhealthy relationship with one of his coworkers. At first, I ignored it because I assumed they needed to work together to do their jobs. But later, I found out that they aren’t even in the same department. She works in an entirely different part of the business. They don’t need to be in contact, ever. And yet, she calls him all the time. And I hear him whispering in the bathroom, and I suspect that he is talking to her. A mutual friend of ours from church saw my husband with this woman at a restaurant. And yet, my husband never told me about this. When I confronted him, he denied it. Our friend would not lie and has absolutely no reason to insert herself into our business just to cause drama.  She is telling the truth. Another time, I was out in our neighborhood walking our dogs, and I noticed the same car circling our street over and over again. When I finally got a good look at the driver, I realized that it was this other woman. Another time, he has his phone open, and I looked over his shoulder and saw that he was looking at an inappropriate photo. I could not tell if this was the other woman. But I could tell that the person in the photo had the same hair color. I have since told my husband that I know that he is at least having an emotional affair. And he acted like I was accusing him of committing a crime. He became indignant and angry. He will only concede that they are “close friends,” but says that we both have friends of the opposite gender. I do have some male friends and coworkers, but I certainly don’t repeatedly call any of them or have secret meals together. I asked him that if the roles were reversed, would he not think that a similar relationship between another male and myself would be inappropriate. He kind of conceded that it might appear that way, and then admitted that he ‘might’ be concerned in my shoes, but said that he just ‘won’t accept that he’s been cheating’ when he knows his own heart and mind. Why would he act like this when it’s so obvious that he is cheating and that I’m not going to be fooled?”

Giving Him The Benefit Of The Doubt To Get To The Truth: I am pretty sure that everyone who just read the above passages is thinking the same thing: this husband’s behavior is beyond suspicious and the wife is right. However, the wife will probably be in a better position if she makes a show of giving him the benefit of the doubt and then asking him to “show her where” she’s wrong. It would like something like this. She sits him down, and calmly lists all of the accumulating indications that he’s having an affair. At the end of this long list, she says, “show me where I’m wrong. Let me see the picture on your phone and your call log. Let me see the texts between you and I’ll tell you if they’re inappropriate. If I’m wrong, I’ll happily admit it. And if you really wants to reassure me that nothing is going on, stop being in contact. If this marriage is important to you, then do this thing for me and end this and prove that you have ended it.'”

His reaction to this is going to tell you much. If he is sincere and agrees to some of your terms, then perhaps you can work with him. But if he is still angry and in denial, but won’t show you proof of his innocence, then you may need to move to the next steps.

Understanding Why He’s Won’t Accept That You Already Know He’s Cheating When It Seems So Obvious: I know that your husband’s behavior is maddening. Many times, husbands won’t “accept” or admit to an affair because they know that once they do, then they will have to deal with the consequences of that affair. This may include having to end the affair relationship if it comes to that, and healing your marriage if that is what you both want to do.

In his shoes, it may seem easier to just keep pretending in the hopes that you will eventually give up trying to get him to admit it. If you can’t live with this, then you may have to act “as if.” You may need to tell him that since he won’t accept or admit to his infidelity, nor will he show you where you’re wrong, then you’re simply going to assume or act “as if,” he is being unfaithful.

That means that if he wants your trust moving forward, he will have to re-earn it. If he wants a marriage like the one he had before he acted inappropriately, then he will have to work toward that – which means ending this inappropriate relationship and weird behavior. Until he is willing to do at least that, I’m not sure how you begin to move forward – other than merely pretending.

The point I’m trying to make is this: You don’t necessarily need for him to give you a signed confession of an actual affair if you know that at least there is grossly inappropriate behavior. If that’s not acceptable to you, then you can act accordingly and require the things you need from him before you move forward with this marriage.

If he values that same marriage, he has some decisions to make. It’s up to you as to how much you are willing to work with him as you navigate this. Some wives are more patient and more willing to negotiate than others. Be honest with yourself about which category you fall into.

There were a few things my husband wasn’t willing to admit, but I made it very clear this wasn’t acceptable to me.  We eventually were able to move on and heal, but it took several steps to get there.  You can read the rest at https://surviving-the-affair.com

 

 

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