Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from faithful wives who are struggling to make sense of their husband’s behavior after an affair has come to light. One particularly painful pattern I’m asked about frequently is this: “Why won’t my husband show me any affection now that I know he cheated?”

It’s confusing. In fact, it can feel like a second betrayal. You’ve just been through this unimaginable pain. You may be trying to pick up the pieces, maybe even willing to give him a chance. And yet, he’s distant. Cold. Emotionally unavailable. You’re left wondering if he’s still emotionally attached to the other woman, if he feels nothing for you, or if he even wants to stay married at all.

Let me say up front: this kind of reaction is incredibly common. You are not alone, and this doesn’t necessarily mean your marriage is doomed or that your husband no longer loves you. But it does mean that it helps to know what you are looking at.

Let’s talk about why some men pull away emotionally after an affair, and what you might want to do (and avoid doing) in response.

He Could Be Overwhelmed With Guilt and Shame:

One of the most common reasons husbands withhold affection after being caught is guilt. And I don’t mean just a passing sense of “I messed up.” I mean deep, heavy, stomach-turning shame that makes it hard for them to even look you in the eye.

When a man is caught in an affair, he’s forced to confront the hurt he’s caused. If he sees you crying, pulling away, or suffering, he may feel deeply ashamed — so much so that physical closeness feels unbearable to him. Affection becomes a reminder of what he’s broken.

He might think: “How can I reach out to her when I’m the one who destroyed her trust?” Or “I don’t deserve her love. She probably doesn’t even want me touching her.”

Ironically, some husbands interpret your anger, distance, or even your attempts to talk as confirmation that they should stay away when they actually isn’t what you’re wanting to see.

He’s Afraid of Rejection or Missteps:

Many men in this position are walking on eggshells. They don’t want to make things worse. They don’t know what’s safe and what isn’t. Should he hug you? Will that seem too soon? Will it seem creepy? Should he say “I love you,” or will that feel hollow?

If your husband feels unsure of where he stands or how to behave, he may decide to do nothing at all — not because he doesn’t care, but because he’s terrified of doing the wrong thing.

Sometimes they’ve tried once or twice and been shut down — understandably so — and now they’re afraid to try again.

He Doesn’t Know How to Reconnect Emotionally:

For many men, emotional intimacy is difficult even before an affair. They may struggle to put feelings into words or to offer comfort in the “right” way. After an affair, those emotional muscles often feel even weaker.

Some men hope that if they just give it time, things will “go back to normal.” Others withdraw emotionally because they were never taught how to repair relational damage. They may want to fix things, but they truly don’t know how to start.

In this kind of emotional paralysis, you might see them go about their day acting “normal,” or overcompensate with chores or small talk — anything but genuine, vulnerable connection.

He’s Still Confused or Disconnected:

In more painful scenarios, a husband might still be emotionally entangled in the affair or confused about what he wants. That doesn’t always mean he’s still seeing the other woman. But affairs often come with emotional fog — a fantasy world where no bills need to be paid, no parenting duties exist, and real-world consequences are delayed.

When that fantasy crashes into reality, some men take longer than others to mentally and emotionally reengage in their marriage. It doesn’t always mean they don’t want to — but the transition can be murky.

That said, emotional unavailability that lasts too long, especially without remorse or effort, can be a red flag that needs to be addressed.

Here are some tips that might help”

Don’t Assume Silence Means He Doesn’t Care.
This is hard, I know. But often, a lack of affection comes from his confusion or shame, not your lack of value.

Talk Honestly About What You’re Feeling.
It’s okay to say, “I’m confused. You say you want to fix this, but you won’t even touch me or hug me. That hurts.” You’re not demanding. You’re not begging. You’re simply being honest.

Ask What He’s Feeling — Without Pushing Too Hard.
If it feels safe, ask: “Are you pulling away because you’re afraid? Because you don’t know what to do? I’d rather hear the truth, even if it’s uncomfortable.”

Sometimes this opens the door to honest conversation. Sometimes it takes time. Don’t beat yourself up if he’s not ready.

Focus on Your Own Healing, Too.
It’s incredibly painful when the person who hurt you also seems unable to comfort you. This is why I always tell women: your healing can’t be dependent on him alone. Give yourself permission to do whatever you need to do to heal or feel better.  Get whatever help you need.

Watch What He Does Over Time.
Is he avoiding all connection? Or just unsure of how to offer affection? Is he taking steps toward rebuilding trust, even small ones? These are the things that will tell you more than just his words or distance in the early days.

If your husband is hesitating to show you affection after the affair, it’s completely understandable to feel rejected, confused, and hurt all over again. You may wonder if it means he doesn’t love you, or if the marriage can’t be saved.

But in many cases, this hesitation is more about his own guilt, shame, and fear than it is about his feelings for you. That doesn’t make it okay, but it does mean there may be room for understanding, healing, and eventual closeness again.

Healing from infidelity is rarely a straight line. It’s messy, uneven, and full of stops and starts. But if both people are willing — truly willing — to show up, even imperfectly, it is sometimes possible to come out stronger on the other side.

I didn’t love the clumsy way my husband showed emotion after the affair. Things got better over time, as I began to heal, and he eventually followed suit. You can read more about how we ultimately saved our marriage, even though it didn’t always look pretty, at https://surviving-the-affair.com

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