Why Is My Husband Still Seeing The Other Woman When Supposedly Nothing Is Happening?
Many husbands who are caught cheating become flustered and they will agree to every condition that you require. Yes, they promise, they will go to counseling. Yes, they insist, they will break off the affair and cut off the other woman. Yes, they will come right home and be accountable with their time. And yet, as the days and weeks pass, it may begin to become obvious that they are not keeping these promises. One of the most common of the broken promises is the “cutting off of all contact.” The husband isn’t always the one who initiates the contact but, however it happens, it can feel like a second betrayal and a slap in the face when you catch him once again. The husband will often have excuses or explanations for it, but the wife often can’t understand how he can possibly think that she will buy this.
She might say, “after I caught my husband cheating, I demanded that he have absolutely nothing to do with the other woman. He agreed to this. He told me that he would break it off in person and then would cut off contact. Well, I admit that I didn’t trust him so I have been having a friend of mine follow him. My husband doesn’t know my friend. He did break it off. I know this because my friend saw it. But, he has met with her twice since then. Each time, they haven’t hugged or kissed and the meetings have been short. Still, he has met with her and he did not tell me about it either time. When I confronted him, he said that she initiated the meetings because she is having a hard time letting go and she has questions. He insist that (as I already know,) nothing inappropriate has happened. He’s being all indignant and defensive. But I still do not understand why they would need to meet. If she has questions, pick up the phone. Or heck just accept that not every question has an answer. I am very angry and hurt about this and it makes me question if my husband can be trusted. Am I out of line here?”
I don’t think that you are out of line. After my husband had an affair, I could not have tolerated the thought that he was still in contact. Luckily, the affair happened when he was working in another city. She lives quite far away, so my worry was not as great as it might have been had she lived in the same town. Still, I made it very clear that he was not to have any contact whatsoever. If he had, that would have been a major problem. One big hurdle that you have to overcome during recovery is restoring the trust. When he is telling you one thing and doing another – especially as it relates to the other woman – then he can’t act confused when you are reluctant to trust his sincerity or good faith. No contact means exactly that. She may well have questions, but the affair is OVER. He has no obligation to answer those questions. It is time to move on. Not everyone gets the perfect closure when a relationship ends. Why must she expect to be an exception?
My therapist once told me that it is human nature for people to want to have their cake and eat it too when they have the opportunity to do so. That’s why he needs to understand that he doesn’t have that opportunity. His slipping up here doesn’t necessarily mean that he will cheat again. You’ve seen that he isn’t in physical contact, but why take that chance? And why put him in a position where he is tempted? That’s why my therapist recommend that all consequences are understood and defined.
So, considering this, you might try something like, “I know that you say that your meetings are innocent. But I specifically asked you to have no contact at all and you agreed to this. No contact should be self explanatory. This means no meetings. No phone calls. No texts. Nothing. If she is attempting to communicate, it is easy enough to block her. When you continue to see her, you send mixed signals to everyone. You are either fully committed to our marriage or you are not. If you go and see her behind my back again, then we are going to have to pursue other avenues because it is not fair to ask me to try to save our marriage when your actions are making this less likely. Do you have any questions about this? Is it very clear? Because it can not continue to happen. It is disrespectful and counter to what we are trying to do. It is not in alignment with your claims that you want to save our marriage.”
He may try to defend himself, but once he calms down and really thinks about it, he has to admit that you are right. If the roles were reversed, he would not want for you to continue to see an affair partner when you have promised not to. That runs counter to saving your marriage. If you are in counseling, I would have your counselor speak with him about this. It’s vital that he understands that this can not continue to happen. No good comes out of them continuing to communicate. There is no upside – only a downside. Now that you’ve made it clear that there will a consequence the next time and he knows that he can not get away with it, he will hopefully stop. But you are not out of line. Restoring the trust and saving the marriage is almost impossible when the husband won’t completely give up the affair and cut off all contact.
I had many conditions that had to be met after my husband’s affair. These things weren’t negotiable, but I tried to make them reasonable. This doesn’t mean that my husband liked them, but he complied because he was the one who cheated. That is just the way that it needed to be. I did work on myself and I did make some changes to improve our marriage. But much of the restrictions and requirements were for him. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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