Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch:  Sometimes, when we find out that our spouse has had an affair, we need to share this with someone.  We need to get our feelings out and we long for someone to tell us that it is all going to be OK.  We hope that another person can give us sound advice so that our situation might improve.  Unfortunately, when you bear your soul, you don’t always get the best advice.  People may tell you to leave your spouse immediately and without further thought.  Or people will tell you that you just need to ‘stand by your man,’ since you must have done something wrong. There doesn’t seem to be any in between.  Part of your healing is properly evaluating this advice and separating the good from the bad.  I learned the hard way that it was vital to only confide in people who would be sensible. But once you confide in someone, it is too late to take it back – even if they give you suggestions that hurt.

A wife might explain: “after I found out about my husband’s affair, I approached my best friend to talk.  She had dealt with an affair in her own marriage and although it was rough going in the beginning, she and her husband are good now.  Their marriage survived.  So I asked her for insights and her basic message to me was: ‘you really just have to love your husband through this.  He made a mistake. And this behavior is just not like him.’ Her point to me was that I need to support him and stand by him and help him figure out what went wrong so that we don’t go through this again.  But here is my problem.  This approach makes it seem like my husband is a victim.  It makes it seem like he’s suffering from something awful that isn’t his fault.  But it is his fault.  He made a choice.  He is not a victim.  Frankly, it is me who is the victim.  And I am the one who should be ‘loved’ through this.  So my first inclination is to reject what my friend has says. But then I can not deny that she has beat the odds and survived an affair.  But I just can not understand why I am supposed to show love to my spouse after he had an affair.”

I completely understand your thinking.  The last thing I wanted to feel or display was loving feelings toward my husband.  And frankly, I didn’t display or demonstrate this for quite a while.  But, I think that your friend’s point is this.  I think what she means is that during this very stressful and vulnerable time, you have to band together because of your past love for each other.  Because if you don’t, the survival of your marriage might be at risk. I also think she might understand that one day, in order for your marriage to thrive, you’ll have to return your marriage to a loving and affectionate place.

I am not sure that she means that you should just blindly show your husband love RIGHT NOW, immediately after the affair.  If this is what she means, then I am not sure that I agree.  I am not sure that I think it’s realistic to immediately act loving after you’ve found out that his actions haven’t been very loving toward you.  To be sure, this is something that you may eventually want and need to work up to.

And I’d never encourage you to be hateful to your spouse indefinitely or to completely reject him if you still value your marriage (or are entertaining the idea of saving our marriage.)  There’s a fine line there.  But you are entitled to your feelings.  And I don’t think you have to pretend to feel loving when you don’t.

I was always clear on the fact that I still loved my husband after his affair.  But I didn’t display this love for a while.  Because I wasn’t sure about what I wanted to happen.  Still, it was always evident that our past years together meant something – which is why I didn’t immediately end the marriage.  And it was why it was always clear that I was going to think long and hard about our family’s future before I made a decision.

Now, once you do decide that you want to save your marriage and once it’s time to get down to work and move toward a true reconciliation, then you do have to (in a sense) love your spouse through this.  And he has to love you through this.  And this will sometimes mean that you will show him love and affection when you still have doubts and reservations.  But you do this (when you are ready) because you know that it is what needs to happen to help move you toward your goal.  And it gets easier and feels more natural the more that you do it.  And feeling bonded with your spouse really helps when you have to have those difficult conversations or move past the obstacles. But it’s a conscious decision to display the feelings that you are hoping will return and will feel more genuine in the future. But I wouldn’t tell you that you have to fake or display these feelings immediately if you haven’t yet decided what you really want.  You shouldn’t feel compelled to rush, but you may want to know that you might feel differently as your feelings evolve.

As I alluded to, it was a while before I showed my husband loving feelings.  I did it once I was comfortable that I wanted to restore my marriage and I was sure that he was genuinely remorseful and willing to embrace rehabilitation. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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