Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

by: Katie Lersch: I once had several conversations with a wife when her husband’s affair was still fresh. Of course, the pain was still very raw and she was struggling to process everything. She was starting to suspect that she might want to save the marriage but she didn’t know if this was going to be possible. She wanted to know what, in my observation, were the factors that lead some marriages to survive an affair while others couldn’t.

She asked, in part: “What makes one couple able to save their marriage after infidelity or an affair while another couple can’t? What factors decide which marriages make it and which marriages don’t?”

There are actually many things that come into play, at least in my opinion. I will discuss many of them in the following article.

Sometimes, One Spouse Just Isn’t Willing To Save The Marriage After An Affair: Although I’ve seen plenty of marriages successfully be saved when one spouse is reluctant or doubtful, ultimately, both spouses have to eventually be on board with saving the marriage. (Notice that I said “eventually.” It’s fine to have doubts while waiting and seeing what’s going to happen before you walk away for good. Sometimes, giving the situation time (even when you’re doubtful) is the best thing that you can do.)

Other times, the spouse who had the affair doesn’t want to let the other person go. Or, the faithful spouse can decide that they just can’t move past this. However it happens, both people either can’t get on the same page, aren’t able to do the necessary work, or are just unwilling or unable to move on.

One Spouse Sees Recovery in Inflexible or Hurried Terms: I often see people assume that they are in an “all or nothing” situation. They place a lot of pressure on themselves to forgive or move on within a certain time frame. When this doesn’t happen, they become very discouraged and worry that their marriage just couldn’t recover.

The truth is, it might have recovered if they had given it more time. There are going to be some struggles and everything’s not always resolved neatly and quickly. Sometimes, the best that you can do is to just commit to hanging in there and seeing what unfolds.

You don’t have to make any commitments or decisions immediately. It’s OK to have struggles and doubts. But if you walk away too early, you’re giving yourself the answer that you feared the most without letting it fully play out.

Often, Miscommunication And Misunderstandings Destroy A Marriage After An Affair: Here’s another unfortunate dynamic I see. Both spouses can become so guarded and reluctant during the fall out after the affair that no one is showing or saying what they really feel or what they really want.

As an example, let’s use a couple where the husband cheated and truly is sorry. However, he’s not all that great of a communicator but he apologizes and shows remorse as best as he can. The wife though, doesn’t buy his apologies. She says he’s only sorry because he’s caught. He denies this and continues to apologize, but every time he does, he gets the same angry response.

Over time, he becomes frustrated with this and stops saying how sorry he is and becomes somewhat defensive. In her own response, the wife thinks, “See, I knew he wasn’t really sorry. I knew that he didn’t really care.”

As a result, the wife shuts down. She really wants for her husband to be affectionate, reassuring, and genuine, but she wouldn’t trust him even if he did. So, she assumes that he doesn’t really want her and doesn’t find her attractive anymore and she retreats even further.

See what’s happened? The husband really is sorry and the wife really does still love him, but neither of them believe that these things are true and their actions reflect this and only make the situation worse. No one’s really being forthcoming and no one is truly getting what they want, which is very sad, since deep down they both want the same thing. I often tell spouses that they just need to keep being honest no matter how awkward and vulnerable it feels because it’s the only way to make sure that you have a fair chance of truly getting what you want.

The Trust Is Gone And Isn’t Restored: One of the biggest obstacles marriage marred by an affair face is restoring the trust. This betrayal is so painful that no one ever wants to repeat it. So, it’s completely understandable that the faithful spouse is going to be reluctant to trust again. And the cheating spouse often understands this at first, but the longer it goes on, the more likely it is that the unfaithful spouse will become resentful and pull back.

I often hear comments like: “What do I have to do to make her trust me again?” The answer is often that you have to give it some time and you have to go out of your way to be accountable. You have to call and check in. You have to be where you say that you’ll be. And you need to include her in your activities when you can so that she has no reason to question you.

In short, you become a dependable, predictable, loving and trustworthy spouse so that she has no reason to be suspicious.

If this work? Yes, it is. But if your marriage is important enough to you, then it will be worth it. Restoring the trust is not something that you can or should put off. It’s absolutely vital. Because if you don’t get the trust back then you’re going to rehashing the same old issues so that you can never really move on and truly save the marriage.