Why Would A Man Go Back To The Wife He Claimed To Hate During The Affair?
By: Katie Lersch: Believe it or not, I get this question quite a bit. Sometimes, the “other woman” who has been cheating with the husband asks the question. And sometimes, I hear this question from the wife who is hearing from someone else that her husband has been claiming to hate her at the same time he was cheating on her.
When The Husband Tells The Other Woman He Hates His Wife: An example would be the other woman who says something like: “I just don’t get it. While we were seeing each other, he told me repeatedly that he hated his wife with a passion. He said that she was self centered and hateful. He said that she was cold and never paid any attention to him. He admitted that he was miserable and had only stayed for the last several years because of their children. He talked about her as if she were someone who he literally could not stand. But then out of nowhere he announces that he’s going back to her and saving his marriage. How in the world is this possible?”
Well, there are several possibilities that you might want to consider. First (and usually the most likely,) he could have been misrepresenting his feelings for his wife or the state of his marriage to you. After all, if he had been truthful and told you that he and his wife had hit a rough patch in their marriage, but were trying to work it out because she is ultimately a loving person and a good wife and mother, would you have been as willing to have a relationship with him? Probably not.
Another possibility is that a man who is considering cheating or having an affair will often posture to himself. See, he has to convince himself that things are so bad with his marriage or with his wife that he is justified in his cheating. So he may play little mind games with himself so that it’s a little easier for him to look in the mirror at the end of the day. So he will build things up in his mind that just aren’t accurate. And sometimes, later he will realize what he has done and will very much regret it. And sometimes it’s not until he acts in ways he regrets and risks loosing his wife that he sees her in a whole new light.
Another option that you sometimes see is that the couple decides to try to work out their marriage and so he’s going to back off on what he’s been telling you because it is in his best interest to do so. Finally, sometimes when your relationship with him starts to sour, he realizes that his wife is not so bad after all.
When A Wife Hears That Her Husband Has Been Claiming To Hate Her While Cheating: An example of what I might hear from a wife in this situation is something like: “the other woman found out my husband was married and reached out to me. She told me that my husband claimed that he hated me and that I was fat, ugly, and lazy. He portrayed me as an evil person and he painted our marriage as a living hell for him. Well, if all of this is true, why is he claiming that he still loves me and asking me to save our marriage? Why is he still at home with me, then?”
These are all good and valid questions. I can tell you my opinion from my own experience and from the stories I hear on my surviving the affair blog. One thing you may want to ask yourself is why you might want to believe what the other woman is telling you. Because sometimes, she has a vested interest in getting you so furious with your husband that you will kick him out or turn him away, leaving him available for her. There’s also the possibility that although she may no longer want him, she feels badly about her part in the affair and she is trying to justify it to herself and you and so she’ll try to frame things in the way that is most favorable to her.
Finally, he may well have told her all of these things for the various reasons I mentioned in the first couple of paragraphs and I realize that this is painful to hear. The question that you have to ask yourself is did he ever really mean these things and does he mean them now. You can often tell by gauging his sincerity and his actions over time. Often, it’s very hard to fake genuine desire and love for someone over a long period of time. The truth has a way of coming out. Sure, things may be strained or awkward as you try to repair your marriage, especially at first. But eventually, you should be able to feel the difference between a man who is sincere in his love and desire for you and one that is not.
In short, there are many reasons that a man might very willingly go back to the wife he claimed that he hated while he was cheating or having an affair. And, by definition, when a man is being unfaithful to his wife, he’s already proven that he’s entered a period of his life where he is struggling enough to be deceitful. So, you kind of have to take everything he says with a grain of salt until his actions prove that he’s trustworthy and believable.
Whichever side of this story you are on, I know that you might be going through a rough time right now. It often gets better with a little time and determination. After my husband’s affair, I could never envision myself staying with him, but that’s what eventually happened and our marriage is actually very solid now. If it helps, you can read about how we salvaged our marriage at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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