Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I find that there is a perception that most faithful spouses see the affair coming and are not all that surprised by it. The theory behind this is that in most affairs, there is a long term problem (or void) within the marriage and both people feel it. So, while the affair is upsetting, it’s not so much of a shock.

While this is the prevailing assumption with affairs, it’s my opinion that it just is not always true. I hear from many people who had strong, solid, and fulfilling marriages and who, understandably, did not see the affair coming because they were truly happy and every signal that they could see indicated that their spouse was happy also. And these marriages can struggle greatly after the infidelity is discovered because the faithful spouse is often at a loss as to how to understand it, other than to point to inadequacies with the cheating spouse – like a lack of character.

A faithful spouse might say: “I just do not understand my situation. I have been married for seven years and I can honestly say that I had the type of marriage that all of my friends and family admired. I know that I probably sound delusional, considering I’ve just found out that my husband has been cheating on me. But I am being very honest. This is not me reaching. I have honestly heard from countless people who have told me I have the marriage that they want. My husband and I own a business together. We know each other intimately. We work together and use each other’s strengths and weaknesses to make our business and our marriage work. We are best friends. Communication or sex has never been a problem for us because we have always made our marriage a priority. We travel all of the time so we do have a good deal of excitement in our lives. Things are not stale for us. We don’t have any “bad” stressors weighing down on us. We are financially secure. Now, here is the real kicker. My husband is claiming there isn’t even any attachment to the other woman. He is not telling her that he is going to leave me. He says that she doesn’t want him to. I actually heard him talking to his brother about this. And he told his brother that the other woman isn’t even really that pretty or smart and that he would never have a serious or long term relationship with her. My husband confided to his brother that he had no idea what he was thinking as there weren’t even real attraction or connection. He told his brother he might have jeopardized the best thing that ever happened to him. He’s right about that. I have always made it very clear that I would never tolerate infidelity. I think men who cheat or weak and stupid. I never thought I would see my husband this way, but now I do. Since my husband can’t offer me any logical explanation as to why someone would jeopardize a really supportive marriage over an affair with no real purpose or future, I thought I’d ask someone else. Why?”

I wish I had an answer that made perfect sense, but I can only speculate. And that’s really all it is because while some men are full of excuses for the cheating, other men are at a loss as to offer any real or plausible explanation. They will just stare blankly and give you confusing phrases like they have “no idea what they were thinking.”

Self Sabotage, A Lack Of Self Esteem, Or A Time Of Struggle Outside Of The Marriage: In these situations, I often think the man somehow is participating in self sabotage or that he doesn’t think he is worthy of his life or of his marriage. His self esteem may have taken a hit for some reason. He may have grown up with a father who wasn’t faithful or he may just be reacting to a situation where a woman made herself available to him and he acted on a fast impulse that he later regretted.

The point that I am trying to make is that there isn’t always a logical or “good” explanation. And you may never completely understand it because he might not understand it enough to explain it in a meaningful way. Frankly, we’ve all acted in that split second where we do something very regrettably that leaves us confused as to our motivations.

Fortunately, most of the time, these lapses are harmless and fixable – like making an unfortunate comment to your child’s teacher or forgetting lunch with a friend. But when these lapses are something as serious as cheating, we feel the need to examine that deeply because the ramifications are so unfortunate.  And we never want it to happen again.

I’d strongly suggest encouraging your husband to consider counseling. It is probably the best way to help him uncover why he acted so self destructively and why he felt the need to jeopardize what was most precious to him. It may help you to know that this isn’t that uncommon. Many people who cheat can’t really tell you why and they will insist that they had a sound marriage and were genuinely happy. And then, for a reason they can’t pinpoint other than stupidity or self destruction, they act on impulse and at that point, there is no going back.

Of course, with work, he can figure out why he acted in a way that caused such harm. And he can teach himself to have more self control. It is up to you to decide what you want to happen with your marriage after that. But it’s my opinion that a man who has been a good and loving spouse with a high degree of character up to that point can be rehabilitated, at least this was my opinion with my own husband. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

Filed under: Uncategorized by admin