Why Would A Spouse Even Want An Affair?
By: Katie Lersch: Sometimes, I get correspondence from the faithful spouse who is struggling to understand their spouse’s reasoning for having an affair. I completely understand this. I struggled with understanding also. And I feel that much of the time, the faithful spouse has a very hard time understanding this because it is not something that they would ever do themselves.
Now, I know that many people who end up having affairs also thought that they would never have one. In fact, I believe that most people do not set out to have affairs. But I believe that some people are more vulnerable than others. I also believe that some people are less vulnerable than others. For example, my personality type is such that even the idea of this type of wrong-doing would create so much anxiety in me that I would never want to carry out an affair. Simply put, the guilt and the turmoil would surely cancel out any pleasure or excitement that an affair would offer. I am prone to anxiety, which means that I almost never seek out situations which would cause more anxiety. That’s why it was very hard for me to understand why my husband could experience the exact opposite.
And I know that I’m not alone. I get a good deal of correspondence from wives who say things like: “I honestly do not get why someone would even want to have an affair. You turn on the TV and you see these politicians and these celebrities who have been caught cheating and they are shamed and their lives are ruined. Most people with any sense know that having an affair will never turn out well. They know that no good can come out of it. And they almost always want their spouse back once the affair is found out. They often have to work very hard and to literally beg their spouse not to leave them and to take their family. There’s always so much pain and turmoil after the affair is discovered. That’s why I don’t even understand why someone would even want to have an affair. Can someone please explain it to me?”
I can tell you some theories based on things that I’ve been told by others who have had an affair. But I have to tell you that the reasons still may not make total sense to you. While I can follow the thought process in most cases, I still can’t completely understand it, as I myself would stop short of pulling the trigger, so to speak. But that doesn’t mean that we should not try to understand what we are dealing with.
He Doesn’t Want To Expose His Spouse To A Different Side Of His Personality: Some faithful spouses are doubly shocked. Because not only do they learn that their spouse has cheated, but they also learn that he’s been participating in things that are just not typical of him. He may be unleashing some part of his personality because he’s either ashamed, embarrassed, or otherwise not inclined to share this part of himself with his spouse. So when the opportunity to unleash this part of himself presents itself, he does not resist.
He’s Looking For A Risk (Or To Create A Sense Of Excitement) To Divert Him From What Is Really Going On: Many people get into ruts at some point in our lives. Some of us have to deal with a life crisis. Many of us take up a new hobby, volunteer, or take an honest look at our lives and make adjustments. But there are individuals who do nothing but try to “escape” from their problems. And make no mistake, that is exactly what an affair is – an escape.
It’s Nothing More Than An Ego Boost: I often think that in many cases, an affair has to come along at precisely the right time for many people. Folks who wouldn’t otherwise think of cheating are caught at a time when they desperately need affirmation or an ego boost. For whatever reason, it’s a time in their life where they start to doubt or feel badly about themselves (this often comes with aging, but a number of issues can come into play.) And then along comes this person at precisely the right time who is giving them exactly what they think that they need. So they find the affair to be irresistible and they think that it won’t last and that no one will find out.
They Are Looking For A Passive Aggressive Way To “Show” Or Hurt Their Spouse: I have listed this one last because I think that it’s probably the least-likely scenario listed here. But sometimes, there is simmering anger in a marriage. The spouse who ultimately cheats is angry or hurt – even if he doesn’t discuss it or even realize it. So his way of addressing the situation or of lashing out is by cheating. It’s his way to “show” his spouse that if she is going to treat him badly, then he can find someone else to treat him well. The great irony of this is that often, he has no intention of his wife ever finding out about the affair so he is theoretically not going to “show” her anything. But I suppose that in his own mind, this makes him feel as if he has done something to even the score, even if he may be the only one who knows it for a while.
As I said before, these reasons may not inspire “aha” moments in you. Some people would never cheat no matter what. If you are one of those, (as I am,) then it may be hard to allow your brain to go down these paths. Unfortunately though, statistics tell us that plenty of people DO understand this. Because plenty of people cheat. And plenty of people who never thought they could ever be unfaithful ultimately are. So sometimes, thoughts and feelings become intentions and actions.
I know that it may not seem like it now, but none of these reasons have to stick around. Many people can be rehabilitated if they are willing to work extremely hard. My husband had his own reasons for cheating (and I fully admit that I will never completely understand them.) But I’m also confident that it won’t happen again. It took a lot of time and hard work to get to this place. But we both feel that it was worth it. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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