Why Would Someone Deny An Affair?
By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who can’t understand why their spouse would insist on denying an affair that has already been found out. The faithful spouse will often see this as a blatant lie or a fragrant lack of respect. And, they just don’t understand what their spouse might hope to gain by looking like a liar by continuing to deny it.
An example of a comment that demonstrates this is the wife who says: “to be honest, I’ve suspected my husband of an affair for a while. I could just tell there was a difference in the way that he related to me. He was cold to me and seemed completely disinterested in me. Even when he is home, he’s not really here. And he’s been playing a lot of ‘golf’ and doing a lot of ‘client dinners’ which I’ve always suspected is code for him cheating on me. So when I found a text that was obviously from another woman, I wasn’t suprised. But I didn’t confront my husband just yet. I decided to wait until I had more proof. So I looked in his car and found a pair of women’s shoes. At that point, I did confront him. And he had the audacity to deny it. He said that yes, someone from work sent him that text. But receiving a suggestive text doesn’t mean he’s cheating. He claimed that this woman was sending him unwanted advances. And he claimed that he gave a coworker a ride home and that she left her shoes. What kind of nonsense is this? Does he really think I’m that stupid? Why would someone deny cheating when it’s obvious that there is an affair?”
There are a couple of different reasons that this might be happening. I will discuss them below.
He May Be Trying To Buy Time: Sometimes, a person is having an affair but they have no idea where they want to take it. Sometimes, they think they want to end the affair and go back to their marriage. And other times, they think that they might want to pursue the other person. But, they know that once they admit to the affair, they are going to have to make a choice and intention about it. They are going to have to decide if they are going to end the affair or pursue a relationship with the other person. But, if they are able to deny it for a while longer and buy a little time, the hope is that the direction he wants to go will become more clear to him and he can take action at that time – but not now.
He’s Trying To Intimidate You Into Dropping It: People can use many tricks of manipulation to try to get you to think that you are just plain crazy to even raise this suspicion. They will try to convince you that you are seeing things that just aren’t there are that you are wrongly accusing them of something they didn’t do. Looking you in the eye and denying an affair when you have evidence of the same is just one more way to use intimidation and manipulation to throw you off the trial.
The Evidence You’ve Found Isn’t Evidence Of A Full Blown Affair: I want to list this possibility to be fair, but I don’t think that it’s likely. But, sometimes he is denying it because it’s not exactly what you think. Maybe the text does indicate something inappropriate but not a full blown affair. I suppose it is possible. I just don’t think it’s very likely.
So how do you handle this? If you know he is cheating in your gut, then you are probably cheating yourself to pretend that he isn’t. Turning a blind eye is letting yourself down in so many ways.
At the same time, continuing to demand an admission sometimes doesn’t work either. The more you accuse, the more angry he gets and the more he denies. I’d suggest this approach. The next time you have this conversation and he denies it you might say: “we both know that what you are saying isn’t the complete truth. I admit that you are the only one who knows exactly what happened. But please don’t continue to insult my intelligence when the evidence is right in front of me combined with your behavior for the past couple of months. We can’t even begin to deal with this until you tell me the truth. If you can’t even be honest with me, then this tells me that you just don’t care and respect me enough. I need for you to show me that you care enough to do the right thing. I already know. But I want for you to do the honorable thing and take responsibility.”
I can’t promise you that he will suddenly bust out with a confession. Sometimes, you have to keep at him. And, you have to treat him as if you aren’t convinced of his claims. If he sees that you back away the second he denies it, then he is going to keep on denying it. But if he sees that you are treating the situation like infidelity no matter what he says, then he has less of an incentive to continue to lie.
Once he finally admits the affair, you’ll need to focus on healing. You can find more healing tips on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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