Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: There are countless wives who are genuinely trying to move past their husbands’ affair. Many of them have been working hard to forgive, hoping that forgiveness will finally bring some peace or clarity. But sometimes, they hit a wall. They just can’t do it — at least not yet — and then they feel like they’ve somehow failed.

They’ll say things like, “I know I should forgive him, but I just can’t seem to.”

And underneath that confession is a lot of guilt, like they’re doing something wrong. It’s maddening, quite honestly. Because somewhere along the line, they’ve picked up the belief that if they’re not ready to forgive, they’re either not strong enough, not kind enough, or not healing “the right way.” And that’s just nonsense.

Here’s what I want you to hear loud and clear: You’re not failing just because you’re struggling to forgive. You’re normal. And it’s understandable.

Infidelity isn’t just a little bump in the road. It shakes your foundation. It cuts deep. And expecting yourself to offer full and unconditional forgiveness right out of the gate — or even months down the road — isn’t fair to you. It’s pressuring you. It’s shortchanging you.  And if you are not ready, you must protect yourself. Because sometimes, no one else will.

You Don’t Owe Forgiveness On Anyone’s Timeline But Your Own: One of the things I see often is wives putting immense pressure on themselves to forgive — sometimes even more pressure than the outside world is putting on them. That pressure might come from their husband, from family, or even from well-meaning friends who just want to see things “go back to normal.” And sometimes, it’s coming from within — from that little voice that says, “If I were stronger or better, I would’ve forgiven him by now.” Or “I should just get on with this? How long am I going to drag it out? Don’t I want my life back?”

But healing doesn’t work on a schedule. It can’t be forced, and it shouldn’t be rushed. Forgiveness, if and when it comes, needs to be something you give freely — not because you feel obligated, and not because someone else is tired of waiting. You’re allowed to take your time. You’re allowed to need more. And you’re allowed to say, “I don’t know yet, I’ll let you know when it comes. But I am taking more time.”

It’s Okay To Take A “Wait And See” Approach: Sometimes when I talk to wives who haven’t forgiven yet, they’ll say, “I guess that means our marriage can’t be saved.” And I always ask, “Why do you think that?” Almost always, they respond with something like, “Because I haven’t forgiven him — doesn’t that mean I’ve already given up?”

And my answer is almost always no. It doesn’t mean that at all.

You can still be invested in rebuilding. You can still show up. You can still listen to what he has to say. You can still watch him closely and wait. You can still see how you feel from day to day. Forgiveness isn’t a prerequisite to healing or reconciling. It isn’t always either/or.  Sometimes, it comes later — once you’ve had time to observe your husband’s actions, once the shock has settled, and once trust starts to slowly rebuild.  Sometimes, it just takes you seeing – over and over again – that he has done what he said he would, that’s he’d made good on his promises, and he has become your rock once again. It’s fine to want and wait for these things.

It’s completely valid to say, “Let’s see how this plays out.” You’re not closing the door. You’re just choosing to be cautious, which, frankly, is more than reasonable after what you’ve been through.

Your husband might want immediate forgiveness. Most do. Honestly, I would too in his shoes. I’d try to push him, too if I were the cheater.But your job isn’t to make him comfortable — it’s to protect your peace and your heart as you work through this.

If It’s Been A Really Long Time, He’s Shown Himself To Be Steady And Trustworthy, And You Still Can’t Forgive, Ask Yourself Why: Now, sometimes I hear from women who say, “It’s been years (or more) and I still can’t forgive. I want to, but I just can’t get there.”

When that happens, I usually suggest they do a little inner inventory. Ask yourself: What’s missing? What haven’t you received that you still need? Because often, forgiveness is blocked not by unwillingness, but by unmet needs. Your husband may not even know that he’s falling short.

Sometimes, he hasn’t really taken accountability. Or maybe he hasn’t shown lasting change. Maybe he hasn’t made you feel truly safe again. And sometimes — maybe the hardest one — your self-esteem is still in pieces, and you’re trying to forgive while still struggling internally.

If any of that rings true, then forgiveness might require you to speak up, ask for more, or simply wait until you can do the work to feel whole again. Because true forgiveness can’t happen if your needs are still sitting in the background, unmet and unnoticed.

You Set The Pace — Accept Nothing Less: At the end of the day, this is your life. Your marriage. Your healing. You don’t have to meet anyone else’s timeline or expectations. You’re allowed to say, “I’m not there yet, but I’m still here, and that has to be good enough for right now.” That’s powerful. That’s brave. And it’s as honest as you can be.

I say this as someone who’s been through it. Forgiveness didn’t come easy for me, either. In fact, I thought it might never come. But over time, with a lot of self-reflection and effort — both mine and his — I got there. And believe it or not, our marriage is pretty darn solid and I never thought I’d get there, but I sure did.

If you’d like to read the full story, I share it on my blog here: http://surviving-the-affair.com.

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