Will I Hear From The Other Person After The Affair Is Over?
By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from spouses who are or have been cheating but who know that this is wrong and must end. Some of them truly don’t want to end the affair, but they do so because they know that they can’t have a future with the other person. So, ending the affair is done very reluctantly or with a heavy heart.
Many of these folks are troubled that they had to end the affair abruptly and they wonder if they are going to have any closure. And they also wonder if they will ever hear from the other person again to satisfy their curiosity.
Someone might say: “I know that cheating on my husband was wrong. I know that my first priority right now needs to be my family. But I became very close to the other man. Quite honestly, the both of us sort of became dependent on one another emotionally. He was my confidant and I was his. Talking to him is so easy. I can tell him anything. I have also become very close to his mother, who is ill. Still, I know that I have to end the relationship in order to save my family and I have done just that. But here’s what I can’t help but wonder. Will the other man reach out to me in time so that I can know what has happened with him? Will I find out what happened with his mother? I know that we can’t be together, but the thought that I might never see him again is too much to bear. I almost told him to keep in touch when I broke it off, but I realized that this would be inappropriate. But that is what I want. So my question is will I hear from him now that the affair is over?”
I can’t possibly predict that. And, before I go any further with this, I have to tell you that I see things from the point of the faithful spouse because of my own experience. So, from that perspective, I can only guess as to how hurtful it would be to your husband (not to mention how damaging it would be to your marriage) to find out that you are still hoping to keep in touch with the other man before you have even addressed your marriage.
Not only is this inappropriate, it’s a betrayal on the heels of the original betrayal. And it might contribute to your husband thinking that you aren’t serious enough about him and your marriage to truly walk away from the affair relationship in a final manner.
Are people who have affairs tempted to maintain contact for reasons that they tell themselves are innocent? Yes, they do. But, you have to know that this is a serious risk to your marriage. And, if your spouse finds out, this is going to void the trust that you are likely going to have to work so hard to restore. Is it really worth that?
Often, when I have this conversation with people, they tell me that they can not help their feelings and they talk about real struggles. They explain that they can’t stop thinking about the other person. I always try to understand this. And I concede that you can’t control your feelings. You can’t control the thoughts that pop into your brain or the longings that remain in your heart. But you can most certainly control your actions. And if you do not act on your desire to reach out to the other man, I have a strong suspicion that in time, your feelings are going to fade. That’s just a normal part of the process.
I know that what you wanted to know is if you are going to hear from him. I can’t tell you that. I do know that some affair partners keep in touch and reach out. But when they do, it most always doesn’t work out well. If you can’t be together, then honestly, I do not see the point of just prolonging things and hurting every one even more. You are taking a risk. You might hurt your spouse. You are doing what you know is wrong. And there can’t be a payoff since you’ve recommitted to your marriage. And frankly, by keeping in touch, you just make it harder to let go.
I know it’s hard to struggle with this, but I think that the best thing that you can do is to turn your attention away from the other man and toward your husband and your family. Because the sooner you can heal that relationship and bond with your spouse again, the sooner you truly will not care if you hear from the other man again.
I know that it is hard to believe, but countless people have told me that once they healed their marriage, they realized just how mistaken they were about their feelings during the affair. This was certainly my experience in my own situation. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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