Will My Cheating Husband Come Back For The Kids?
By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who are trying any number of strategies to get their cheating husband to come home. Often, they first try to appeal to his sense of right and wrong. Then, they may appeal to his sense of commitment. Or, they may try to get him to remember the history that they have together. But when these things aren’t completely effective and their husband still resists coming home, then they may consider using the only bargaining chip that they still have – the children.
After all, few people will argue that having two parents together, married, and living in the same house is the best thing for children. Hardly anyone will argue with this logic. And you can’t blame the wife for trying to draw the husband’s attention back to his family.
I might hear a comment like: “my husband left me to go and be with the woman with whom he is cheating. I can tell that he has doubts about this. Sometimes, when he calls me he will sigh deeply and make a comment like ‘I hope that I’m not making a mistake.’ So I know that he has some doubts about what he is doing. And I know that he misses our children desperately. Last night, he came over to spend time with the kids and when he left, he hugged me and said that he missed our family and that it was killing him to be away from our children. Then he paused at the doorway like he didn’t want to leave. I almost think that he wants to come back home. But I also think that if he does, it’s because of the kids. Is it OK to start with him only coming home for the kids, as long as he comes home?”
I can tell you my opinion as a wife and mother who has gone through this. I am not a mental health professional or a marriage counselor. Like most people, I do believe that having their family together is the best thing for children. You couldn’t convince me other wise. And you could never convince me that having a father move out and live with another woman isn’t devastating to a child. I agreed with the wife that getting the family back together was the ultimate outcome. However, my agreement stopped there.
And the reason for this is because I don’t think that it’s wise to use your children as the only weapon that you have in getting him back. Here’s why. If he only comes back because of the kids, then it’s my observation that you’re leaving your marriage very vulnerable. If he’s only returning home because of the children, this means that you’re basing the entire thing on the children while paying no attention to the marriage. Having two parents living in a home with a marriage that is struggling and ready to crumble at any time isn’t the idea family situation either.
To me, the best case scenario is working on your marriage until it is advisable for him to come home, while also encouraging a healthy and liberal relationship with the children in the meantime. I know that this isn’t what you want to hear. But frankly if he comes back before you do any work, you will likely worry that he is going to cheat again because in your mind, he’s only there for the kids and not for you. And this will likely manifest itself in additional problems for your marriage – which isn’t all that great for your kids either.
My best suggestion would be to continue to encourage him to see the children often. When he does, you can see what happens between the two of you. If he expresses genuine remorse and wants to come home, then I would delay this until you do some rehabilitation and healing. You can see each other and bond while you are going through this process. But it’s important that you work very hard on healing because your marriage is very likely to be quite vulnerable due to the cheating. If he comes home before healing and before rehabilitation, then there’s a risk of him cheating again or of the reconciliation failing. This sort of roller coaster ride of getting back together and breaking up again is very confusing for kids. So it makes sense to ensure that any reconciliation is going to last.
But to answer the question posed, I don’t know if he will come home for the children. But I do know that if he does, you should do everything in your power to repair your marriage. Because while having both parents is best for children, having both parents in a happy and secure marriage is the optimal solution.
My own children were my primary concern after my husband’s affair. They were also the motivating factor that encouraged me to save my marriage. If it helps, you can read more of my story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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