Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I recently heard from a wife who told me that she was afraid that her marriage (and her life) was never going to recover after her husband’s affair. She said, in part: “It’s been six months now, and in some ways, I feel as though things are even worse than the day I found out he was cheating. I just can’t seem to make any progress, get over this, or move on. I am so angry and bitter and I hate feeling this way. At first, he seemed to be sorry and genuine but now he’s lost his patience with me and all we do is shoot each other dirty looks or nasty remarks. I feel like I’m living in the middle of a nightmare. Is there any way possible that my marriage can recover or is this all I have to look forward to? Because if it is, I think I’m better off cutting my losses now and walking away.”

This correspondence was really heartbreaking. No one deserves to feel as if they are going to wake up each morning to more of the same without any chance for improvement. Dealing with the aftermath of an affair is difficult enough without knowing that you’re not making any real progress. The good news was that there were many things that this couple hadn’t yet tried.

In fact, neither had really taken any action after the affair. The wife found out about it, was understandably furious, and closed herself off. The husband made half-hearted apologies at first but once he saw that his wife was going to remain angry and didn’t even want to listen to him, he too gave up. So at this point what you had were two angry, misunderstood, and frustrated people who were just sort of treading water and waiting for the other one to make the first move. Very clearly, someone needed to do something. I will discuss this more in the following article.

In Order To Recover After An Affair, Most People Need To See Some Real Changes, Adjustments, Concessions, And Improvements: The marriage wasn’t recovering because nothing at all was being done in regard to it. Both people were just sort of walking through their day-to-day life without ever addressing that big marital elephant sitting right in the center of the room (that they were both walking around at this time.)

Admittedly, most of the efforts and concessions lay with the husband since he was the one who set this whole thing into motion. But, he was treading lightly since he had no idea what the wife wanted from him. Someone had to break the ice. Because he was thinking that she didn’t want him to even approach her. But, because he wasn’t even trying to approach her, she thought that he just didn’t care. Neither of these things were true.

In order to stop the standoff, I advised the wife to bring attention to the obvious. Of course, the words that she used were going to depend on her personality, but she needed to express that she did not want to continue to live this way and she needed to tell her husband that she wanted to see some changes and advances being made on his part.

At the end of the day, most couples need the same things in order for the marriage to recover after the affair. They need to be committed to the marriage. They need a working plan. They need to identify those things that contributed to the affair and banish those. They need to work together to restore trust and open communication. With this taken care of, they need to restore the affection and sense of connection. And they will usually need some individual efforts to address doubts, self-esteem, and individual happiness and fulfillment.

Finally, both people need to at least be open to the idea that not only can the marriage recover, it can be better. Even if you have your doubts about this, it helps to take a “wait and see” attitude and at least entertain the fact that it might happen so that you don’t give up prematurely.

Many Marriages Recover After An Affair. Why Can’t Yours Be One Of Them?: I can’t tell you how many wives tell me that, deep down, they just don’t think that their marriage will recover. When I ask them why, they say that they just “can’t” get over it. Here’s the truth. Many of us who are now sitting in our recovered marriages thought the exact same thing. You don’t have to believe with all your heart that you’re going to be just fine (especially in the beginning.) But, you do have to commit to seeing things through until you can make a more educated decision.

Because in the early stages of recovery, things are still very fresh and confusing. You may well feel incredibly differently next week or next month. And sometimes, the best thing that you can do is to just not place so much pressure on yourself and commit to only seeing what you can do to take baby steps toward where you want to go. It’s unrealistic to think that your entire marriage will be fully recovered in a short period. It’s a process. It’s not always linear.

Sometimes, you just have to keep moving forward, evaluating what you want and need, and then asking for it. So many times, I see marriages fall apart even when both people secretly want to make it work. The vast majority of the time, this is due to a combination of fear and misunderstandings. The faithful spouse often thinks the cheating spouse isn’t really sorry while the cheating spouse thinks they’ll never be able to make things right. So both people remain frustrated and just sort of watch helplessly rather than taking any action.

Action is usually always better than misunderstandings. Even if the action is awkward or difficult, it’s still better than resentment based on incorrect assumptions. If your marriage hasn’t yet recovered, know that many do. And consider committing to just trying to do something every single day to move yourself forward even if that only means speaking up and being honest about what you really want and feel. These things are better than just giving up. And if they don’t work, at least you will know you tried rather than just witnessing this decline without trying to stop it.

Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, my marriage is strong today, even after my husband’s affair. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self-esteem is intact and I’m no longer fixated that he will cheat again. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com