Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from people who are still waiting for the day when their lives (and their marriages) will feel “normal” or “right” again after their spouse’s affair. Often, they feel as if they are patiently waiting for a day that might never come because, despite their best efforts, they just aren’t seeing the progress that they have been hoping for. The anger is still there. The awkwardness is still there. And that sense of desperation is still there. Many admit that they go to bed at night and pray that they will wake up and feel better or at least have some form of their life back. They want to wake up in the morning and have their coffee unaware of this awful thing that has happened. They want to look forward to fun weekends where they can actually create new memories with their spouse. But they start to doubt if this is ever going to happen.

An example of the type of comment that I might hear is something like: “it has now been five months since I found out about my husband’s affair. In some ways, I feel as if we have made a little leeway. But, in many ways, it seems as if the affair may as well have happened yesterday because I am still so angry, so hurt, and so confused. I never feel truly relaxed and content around my husband anymore. It is as if the affair tainted everything. We can’t go out to dinner or to a movie or anywhere without it feeling incredibly forced. Before the affair happened, my husband and I would wake up every weekend and we would go to out to breakfast at the same restaurant where we have gone for years. We would sit at the same booth, with the same waitress and we would just enjoy one another’s company. Likewise, we would greet the same vendors at the farmer’s market and we were always so relaxed and would savor that time. I used to look forward to Saturdays all week and now they are ruined for me. There is silence at the restaurant and awkward encounters at the farmer’s market. Sometimes I feel as if every one knows what my husband has done. He swears that he never took the other woman to our special places but I can’t help but worry about this. Nothing feels right. Everything feels off. I feel like I’m walking around in a nightmare and I am never going to wake up. My husband says that I just need to be patient but it’s very difficult to have faith when I had faith in him before and he betrayed me. I’m wondering if I’m ever going to have my normal life back or my normal marriage back. Or, do I have to say goodbye to those things forever?”

I know how difficult this situation is. I often try to tell people that an affair can almost make you feel as if an abrupt and unexpected death has taken place. I know that this probably sounds quite melodramatic, but it is true. Because often, you wake up one morning thinking that you know what makes up your life and then, after the affair is discovered, you go to bed that same night with the very harsh realization that every single thing you thought you knew and based your happiness on is just a facade. It’s not real, or at least parts of it aren’t. And so you begin to question everything, even those things in your life that are comforting and are “normal” and you wonder if you will ever be able to relax enough in order to see your life in the same way ever again.

I can’t see into your future. But I can share what it was like for me, and I do get similar stories on my blog. So I do not think that my experience is that unique or different. I can tell you that my life today looks very similar to my life before the affair. I live in the same house. I have the same husband. And the same kids. I have the same friends and I shop and play in the same establishments that I always have. And today, I do not feel uncomfortable in any of these places.

Do I have the same naivety that I had before the affair? No, I do not. Do I just blindly believe in the good of all people? Unfortunately, the answer to that question is no. I suppose that I am a little more guarded now, but the affair is no longer something that consumes my every waking moment. I can go out to dinner with my family today and I have a wonderful time without giving it a second thought. I can create new memories with my husband without it feeling flat or false or awkward. We have romantic evenings and we laugh and the affair isn’t in the back of my mind and I doubt that it is in his.

There were plenty of days when I didn’t think that any of this would be possible. But we have worked very hard. And a good deal of time has gone by. Now, granted, I probably couldn’t go by places where events happened related to the affair and not think about the memories associated with them. But thankfully, this happens extremely rarely. Most of the time, I go about my business thinking of every day things that feel extremely normal and natural to me. I don’t go around with the affair in my head anymore.

Are things totally normal like the affair never happened? I can’t claim that they are because infidelity changes a marriage. It may bring about some positive or good changes. And, it may bring about some bad changes. But I don’t think it’s possible for infidelity not to have any affect whatsoever on the people or on the marriage. So I think that while you are in the middle of these struggles, then you need to create a “new normal” for yourself. You may take very small steps and just focus on a couple of things each day. It really helps to acknowledge and notice the small efforts and triumphs. Because in the beginning, that may be all you get until healing takes place.

But to answer the question posed, yes, I believe that things will feel normal again eventually once you begin healing. Do you ever forget the affair? No, you don’t. But you pick up the pieces and move on. And you get tired of hurting all of the time. So, when you are ready, you reclaim the life again that you were put on this earth to enjoy and embrace.

I do feel that I have a normal life today after the affair.  But it wasn’t easy.  It took time.  And it took work.  If it helps, you can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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