Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: When I’m contacted about working things out after an affair, the email or message usually comes from the wife who was cheated on. But not always. Sometimes, it’s the husband. And sometimes, it’s actually the spouse who did the cheating.

The common thread is this: almost everyone who reaches out to me is hoping to save their marriage. They want to know if that’s even possible, and if it is, how.

I often hear something like: “I just don’t know if we can work this out. The affair has damaged us so much that I don’t know if there’s anything left. The anger, the bitterness, the resentment—it feels impossible to move past it. How can we ever trust again?”

I completely understand these fears. I’ve been there myself. I also know that although it isn’t easy, many couples do work things out. But it usually requires a few key things to happen.

Has The Affair Really Ended?: And Is Responsibility Being Taken?: This may sound like common sense, but I can’t tell you how often I hear from people whose spouse hasn’t fully cut ties with the other person. If the affair is still ongoing in any way—even emotionally – then working things out is extremely difficult. You need a clean break. Anything less signals a lack of true commitment.

Equally important is that the cheating spouse takes responsibility. Yes, marriages aren’t perfect. Yes, both spouses may have contributed to some of the distance. But not every struggling marriage ends in an affair. Cheating is a choice. It’s critical that the spouse who cheated owns that choice, without excuses or blame-shifting.

This doesn’t mean they’ll always be cast as “the bad guy.” It means they’re stepping up, showing maturity, and signaling that they are invested in saving the marriage.

What if your spouse isn’t showing remorse or taking responsibility? You can’t force them. But you can communicate clearly what you need. Sometimes this conversation has to happen more than once, because there’s often awkwardness and hesitation after an affair. It may not feel fair that you have to spell it out—but it’s far better than letting your needs go unmet and building quiet resentment.

Looking At (And Fixing) The Issues Behind The Affair: Another common mistake I see is when couples stop at “the affair was a mistake, it won’t happen again.” While that may feel easier in the short term, it often leaves dangerous cracks in the foundation of the marriage.

You have to ask: What issues in our marriage left us vulnerable? What patterns, disconnections, or unmet needs contributed to the circumstances where an affair seemed like an option?

And more importantly – you have to do the hard work of fixing those issues. I won’t sugarcoat it. This can take time, patience, and painful honesty. But if you don’t, you’ll always carry the fear that the same cracks could reappear.

Healing Individually As Well As Together: One thing I believe strongly is that you can’t build a healthy marriage with two deeply wounded individuals. Yes, you need to work on your marriage as a couple. But you also need to heal yourselves as individuals.

In my own case, my husband’s affair brought every old insecurity roaring to the surface. Even when our marriage seemed to be moving forward, I wasn’t. I was stuck in self-doubt, and it was holding me back.

At the encouragement of people who loved me, I started working on myself. I made decisions for my own well-being, not just for the marriage. And that shifted everything.

The truth is: you can’t give what you don’t have. If you don’t feel secure and whole on your own, you’ll struggle to feel secure in your marriage. An affair magnifies every flaw and fear, so sometimes you need to strengthen yourself before the marriage can fully recover.

Is It Worth It?: I know how overwhelming this all sounds. Working things out after an affair is not simple. But I also know it can be worth it.

If you had told me two years ago that my marriage would not only survive, but become stronger, I wouldn’t have believed you. But today, it is. We put in the work—together and individually. My self-esteem is higher than it’s ever been, and I no longer live in fear of my husband cheating again.

If you’re in the middle of this painful process, please know there is hope. But it usually requires honesty, responsibility, individual healing, and a commitment from both of you to not just rebuild the marriage—but to build a better one.

If it helps, I share more about how I personally navigated this in my own marriage on my blog: http://surviving-the-affair.com/