Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who just aren’t buying their husband’s excuses with regards to his affair.  One common complaint is husbands having a lame excuse as to why the affair lasted as long as it did.  Many times, his excuse doesn’t even sound plausible.

I heard from a wife who said: “I found out two weeks ago that my husband has been cheating on me with a woman who works at the grocery store where we shop. He initially tried to tell me that it only lasted for a couple of weeks, but I got a hold of his phone records and it obviously lasted for much longer than that.  In fact, it lasted for months. So when I confronted my husband about this and asked him why he would remain in a relationship that he claimed meant nothing to him, he said that he only stayed in the relationship because every time he tried to break it off, the other woman would tell him that she was going to tell me everything the next time that I was in the store.  So he remained in the relationship because he didn’t want for me to find out.  Is this even possible? Because this sounds like such a bogus excuse to me. And even if it’s true, if he wasn’t getting something out of the relationship, I can’t imagine him staying even if he knew I’d found out. ”

Actually, you might be surprised at how many cheating spouses never ever envision their spouse finding out about the affair.  Often, they are not thinking rationally and they are not really thinking about the future.  Many don’t intend to carry on the unfaithful relationship forever either.  So your finding out isn’t usually in their immediate thought process, as silly as that may sound.

Many Men Claim That The Other Woman Does Various Things To Hold Onto The Relationship: So the next question becomes would a reasonably rational man allow the other woman to essentially black mail him?  I have to admit that this isn’t the first time that I have heard of a situation like this. It’s not an uncommon excuse.  And I will admit that a number of men have made comments on my blog outlining how the other woman has tried a number of ploys to keep him from ending things.

Often, she will try a number of tactics like making him feel guilty, or trying to entice him to change his mind, or attempting to make him believe that she won’t make any demands of him.  When things like this don’t work and the husband still tries to end the relationship, it wouldn’t be unheard of for her to threaten to tell the wife.  However, common sense would tell you that if she does this, their relationship would most certainly change.  Because they would now both know that he’s not there because of his own free will, but that he is only there because of fear. And frankly, I would think that this would get old quite fast.  Who wants to continue on in a relationship for the long term when you know that he is only there because he is afraid of the consequences when he is not?

Know That The Truth Will Likely Surface At Some Point:  I think that the heart of this whole conflict was the wife’s desire to know how serious this relationship truly was.  Many wives would rather see a short fling than a long term relationship if they had a choice.  Because the longer the relationship, the more emotional or physical connection that this implies. But when the husband claims that the length of the affair should be negated because he was pressured into staying, then the wife has to evaluate if she’s going to buy this.

I know that it can feel as if you need to make a quick decision as to whether you are going to buy this or not.  But, frankly you can often wait and just accept that the jury might still be out.  Because quite honestly, over the course of trying to rebuild your marriage, you will often get a more clear picture of the truth, and this often comes a little bit at a time as your husband thinks you can tolerate the truth or as accuracy begins to slip out.

I know that you are inclined to worry about this and I completely understand that.  But it may help you to know that most of the time, the truth doesn’t stay hidden forever.  If what he is telling you is true, then you will likely see some evidence of the same at some point or he will keep that theme consistent.  If not, it will likely become apparent to you.

What Matters More Than The Nature Of Their Relationship:  I know that you feel as if you need the absolute truth because you need to know just how much she mattered to him.  But what you also need to understand is that often, he believes one thing when the affair is active only to change his mind once its not.  While things are exciting and he’s right in the middle of carrying this out, he may feel invested and his sense of excitement may actually feed this.

But once the affair is out in the open, it is almost as if a balloon deflates.  The build up is let down and the excitement wanes. And suddenly it may become clear to him that she wasn’t all that special after all.  This might be what your husband is dealing with now.  He may now realize how much of a mistake that this relationship was and now he is trying to do everything that he can to diminish it in both of your eyes.

Do I buy his claim that he only stayed with the other woman because of blackmail or a threat to expose the affair? Not really.  And if this were true, he didn’t have a lot of control during this entire process, but that is true of many men.  And frankly, it is very common for a man to say anything necessary to downplay the relationship, especially when he would rather it never occurred to begin with when he unfortunately can not take it back.

As frustrating as it is, sometimes you have to ask yourself if you want to dwell on a relationship that is over or if you want to ensure that it is over and then decide if you want to move on.  Because the truth is, people’s feelings and emotions often change dramatically during an affair. What he felt mere weeks ago may seem very foreign and shameful to him right now.

I know that it is probably hard to get perspective right now. But frankly, your healing should be your priority.  The facts will usually become clear with time.  But your healing is something that you have to consciously work on.  If it helps, you can read about my healing process on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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