Are There Any Advantages of Staying With A Husband After His Affair?

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are fluctuating on their decision as to whether or not to stay in the home after they have caught their husband cheating. Many are trying to weigh the pros and cons of this and are having trouble coming up with any pros or advantages.

The thought process goes something like this: “it’s only been a couple of days since I found out about my husband’s affair. He is all but begging me to stay put and to try to work it out with him. He is telling me that I will never know how sorry he is, etc. Some of my friends are urging me to move out and to stay with them for a while. I am tempted to do this, but I am concerned as to what might happen to my marriage if I leave. I am also concerned my husband will go back to the other woman in this scenario. Granted, I am not even saying I want my marriage because I don’t know if I do. Are there any advantages to staying put for now?”

I think that there are advantages and disadvantages for every option. And what is right for one wife or one couple may not be right for another. Plus, sometimes the situation or the decision changes and that is OK too. In this article, I will discuss some advantages to staying where you are.

You Will Be Able To Keep An Eye On Him To Have More Reassurance That He Isn’t Still Cheating: In a perfect world, we could all believe our husband’s reassurances that he isn’t currently cheating or that he won’t cheat again. We could have absolute confidence about this and would never doubt it. But this isn’t reality for most of us. Even though we would like to believe that repeat cheating is not something that we will have to worry about, most of us worry about it quite a bit, at least until healing is complete.

At least if you are still living under the same roof, you will have an idea as to where he is and what he is doing. When you are not living together, it is very easy to assume he is still cheating, even if he isn’t.

Because You Are In Close Proximity To Him, You Will Have An Idea As To How You Are Feeling Since There Will Be Interaction: It’s very easy to write your spouse off after you catch them cheating. Some of us immediately want to wash our hands of them and assume that we will never feel loving toward them again.

I defend every one’s right to make their own choices and decisions. And for some, cheating truly is a deal breaker for which they would never back down from their beliefs.

That said, I think that some couples bow out very early – and before they even take a little time to just step back and watch and wait. I almost did this. And I cringe when I think about it now.  I believe that it can take some time to truly evaluate how you feel and what you want. If you’re still having to interact with your husband, this gives you a little more information about how you might be feeling about him and the status of your relationship.

But if you walk away, you have less of an opportunity to gage your feelings. Since you’re not interacting with him and seeing his reactions and behaviors, you’re only able to speculate.

You’re Better Able To See If His Claims Are True: When people are caught cheating, they will often make all sorts of promises. They tell you that they will change. That they will come right home. That they will straighten up their lifestyle so that they are not participating in behaviors that put them at risk for cheating. Words are a start. But words are cheap. They only mean something when someone backs them up.

If you aren’t regularly interacting with your husband, then you have no way to know if he is going to back up his claims. But if you live with him, then you are able to watch him very closely to gage his sincerity and level of truthfulness.

Many Healing Exercises Require Frequent Access: If you are going to try to save your marriage, you will often find that this requires a lot of communication and one on one time. Whether you go to a counselor or try some self help work, you’re often asked to spend a lot of time with your spouse doing the work that you need to do. This is more difficult if you aren’t living together, although it is not impossible.

It’s not my intention to imply that staying under the same roof after an affair is the only way to approach this. I just don’t think that this is the case for everyone. My husband and I spent a short amount of time apart, even though we never officially lived separately. I just needed some time to process my thoughts. But, the ideal situation is going to vary from couple to couple. You can read more about the challenges and how I handled them on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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