Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

by: Katie Lersch: Of all of the topics that come up on my blog, I would have to say that forgiving infidelity is the most common. This is a huge thing to ask. It’s one thing to come to terms with or accept the infidelity or to want to move on from it. But forgive it? Is this really possible or even advisable? I’ll try to answer these questions in the following article.

Why You Should Not Force Yourself To Forgive The Infidelity If You Are Not Ready:  It’s very common for the person who was unfaithful to be deeply sorry and to be extremely scared that this mistake is going to cost them everything. To that end, they often want forgiveness very quickly. They want to know that everything is going to be OK after all, even with their absolutely horrible judgment that led to this very painful mistake.

However, often they do not realize just how much they are asking. Infidelity is a huge blow, not only to your marriage but to your self-esteem and your confidence to gauge what is going on around you and to make sound judgments. In short, your world has been completely toppled over. It’s going to take some time and some healing to even begin to rebuild. No one has the right to expect you to rush this process. Not only that, but rushing it only delays the healing. A rushed or forced decision such as this one will often only add confusion and resentment to the negative feelings that you’re already feeling.

There is nothing wrong with taking the topic of forgiveness off of the table for a while. Simply tell your spouse that you are going to take the time to process all of the information and are going to move forward as you are able to do so. If they really love you and have your best interest at heart, they should certainly understand that.

Make Sure You Have Everything That You Feel You Need Before You Can Freely Offer Your Forgiveness:  Typically when the time is right to forgive, you will know it. All of the doubts that have been bugging you will start to abate. But, this often will not happen until enough time has passed and until you have all the reassurances and support that you have needed.

Typically, you will need confidence in the fact that you can trust your spouse again. You will need to be able to check up on them if you have any doubts. You will need their affection, reassurance, and patience. You will need to understand why the infidelity happened in the first place and you will also need to know why (and that) you never have to worry about it happening again in the future. You will need to know that you’ve worked together to “affair-proof your marriage” and to place up safeguards so that you aren’t constantly second-guessing and worried about their continued commitment. And, hopefully, it goes without saying that you need complete confidence that the person they cheated with is gone from your life.

You should also address individual issues as well as couple issues. People often cheat because of low self-esteem and poor impulse control. Therefore, it never hurts for you both to work on strengthening yourselves as individuals. The person who was cheated on is likely to have self-doubt and insecurities as a result. This is through no fault of their own and they should know that it absolutely isn’t selfish to take some time to rebuild themselves. You can’t be happy as a couple if you are not happy as an individual. That is the truth, but so many of us approach it from the opposite way.

Forgive For Yourself, Not For Them: Don’t allow yourself to be pressured to offer up forgiveness for any reason other than the fact that it is the right choice for you at the right time. At the end of the day, forgiveness is for you, not for them. It’s not letting them get away with it or saying or implying that you’ve buried it forever. There is no way around it becoming part of the history of your marriage. However, allowing some positive to come out of the negative is up to you.

And often forgiveness is the first step toward that. It’s deciding that you are tired of being afraid and of keeping score and of pretending that you can expect everyone to be perfect all of the time. It’s about knowing that people make mistakes but so long as they won’t make the same mistakes over and over, you can work with what you have if you choose to keep them in your life. It’s about deciding what, and who makes you happy. It’s about worrying about what is best for you without worrying about what others think. And it’s about evaluating whether your life is healthier and more complete with this person than without them after considering the totality of your time together. Only you can decide these things, but remember that they are yours to decide – no one else’s.