Can You Be More In Love With Your Spouse After Infidelity?

By: Katie Lersch:  I often hear from people who are wondering if they should believe their spouse’s claims that he is more in love with them after he has made the mistake of cheating or having an affair.  Often, they truly want to believe him because they want to have some security after having been through so much.   But, they often doubt that his claims are even possible.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband cheated on me about six months ago.  Since that time, we have been in counseling and we are trying very hard to make it work.   And there are times when I feel that we are making progress and there are times when I feel like I am only seeing what I want to see.  The other day at counseling, my husband told the counselor that he was more in love with me today than he was five years ago.   At first, I thought that this was a sweet thing to say.  But the next day, it started to bug me.  And a little voice in my head wondered how in the world he could be so in love with me when just a short time ago, he was sleeping with someone else.  Did he lie to me right to my face?  Is it possible to be more in love with your spouse after infidelity?”

I will try to answer this question as best as I can.  But I have to disclose that I was the faithful spouse.  So while I can tell you how I felt afterward, I don’t have the perspective of a cheating spouse.  However, I hear from a lot of them on my blog.  And many very sincerely proclaim that they love their spouse more than ever.  I have some theories as to why they feel that way which I will share right now.

Often, The Threat Of Losing Your Spouse Makes You See What Is Precious About Them:  It’s just a fact of life that if you face the threat of losing something that is valuable to you, then you appreciate it even more.  But, if  you face losing it because of your own mistake or your own fault, then your emotions are magnified that much more.  This doesn’t make your emotions any less sincere however.

Often, the fall out of infidelity makes you take inventory of what you have taken for granted and why you need to aggressively try to make this right.  Many men comment on my blog that they feel like an idiot because they went looking for something that they now realize they had right in front of them the whole time.  And they are wondering if this person who they betrayed will ever have it in their heart to give them one more chance.

So yes, most of the time, they are absolutely sincere when they say that they love you more now.   You have to ask yourself this.  Why would a man repeatedly go to counseling month after month and repeatedly do what you have asked him to do if his heart wasn’t really in it? Why would he lie in that way? I understand that the little voice in the back of your head might be coming up with all sorts of reasons.  But perhaps try to listen to your heart instead.  And give him the benefit of the doubt until he gives you a reason not to.

Is It Possible For The Faithful Spouse To Eventually Be More In Love With The Cheating Spouse?:  Sometimes, the faithful spouse will ask me if they will ever truly feel the same type of love that they once felt before the infidelity.   Often, they just don’t believe that it’s possible because they now look at their spouse in a different, and more negative, way.  I can only tell you my experience.  It took a while before I was even open to the idea of loving feelings for my husband.  But now that my healing has been complete for quite a while, I can say that I love my husband as much as I always  did.  I do not know if I can say that I love him more, because I always loved him very much.  But I can say that I love our marriage more.  Because it is now better.  And he is more in tune to what I need and want.  He is more attentive because he doesn’t take me, or our marriage, for granted.  And neither do I.  We both learned to address problems before they escalate.  And we learned how to communicate and say what we really meant.  In a sense, this is like many of those martial trials that were awful at the time but made you stronger in the end.

So to answer the question posed, I do think that is possible to love your spouse, and your marriage, even more – particularly if you are the cheating spouse.  Because this all process shows you what you might have lost.  And therefore you appreciate and embrace it that much more.

I understand how the doubts can make you wonder about the validity of every word out of your spouse’s mouth.  But if his actions are in alignment with his words, it can make sense to give him the benefit of the doubt unless something changes.  I know that it is scary to be vulnerable.  But it can be worth it.  If it helps, you can read about my healing process on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com

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