By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who are looking for a plan or strategy to bring their husband’s affair to a swift end. Many want to save their marriage without having the threat of the other woman and the affair hanging over them. Sometimes, these wives are in a situation where the husband is telling them that the affair is over, but the wife knows that it really isn’t. Other times, the husband pretty much refuses to end the affair or tells the wife that he isn’t ready to make a decision about where he wants to go with either relationship.
I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “I need to figure out a way to end my husband’s affair. I’ve thought of many devious strategies including sending him fake texts or emails from the other woman breaking off the relationship or faking photos of the other woman with another man to make my husband think that the other woman is cheating on him. I’ve also thought about giving my husband an ultimatum that he has to choose between her or me. The problem though is that I’m afraid that he will ultimately chose her. Once he told me that he would end it with her to save our marriage but it later became pretty obvious that he was still seeing her behind my back. So I feel like I have to do something dramatic to end this affair on my own. What can I do to give myself the best chance of ending it once and for all?”
This type of correspondence is so common. Many wives feel as if they are forced to take matters into their own hands. So often, a husband will swear that he’s going to end the affair but of course he doesn’t. Or he’ll try the honesty strategy and he will tell the wife that although he does love her and he does want to save the marriage, he has feelings for the other woman too and so he isn’t sure that he’s ready to walk away from the affair just yet. This can leave the wife feeling as if she really has no choice. She can begin to think that if the affair is ever going to end, she has to be the one to end it.
The Problem With Trying To End Your Husband’s Affair: The problem with this strategy is that very often, many of the methods that wives use to end the affair themselves are so risky that they end up backfiring. If your husband catches you trying to fake pictures, emails, or photos, your marriage (which is likely already in trouble) will likely take another huge hit. The already shaky trust issues will become worse. And you may strengthen rather than weaken their relationship.
There are times when, the more you try to keep your husband from the other woman, the more he ends up wanting her. She becomes that forbidden thing which he comes to believe that he absolutely must have. I’ve seen wives some wives almost successfully pull off the fake text, email or picture strategy but rather than the husband becoming desperately angry with the other woman, he becomes desperately hurt. He ends up wanting her (and sometimes the affair) that much more.
Why It’s Best If Your Husband Is The One Who Ends The Affair: I know that it’s so tempting to take matters into your own hands, but here’s the truth. You will have a much better chance of successfully saving your marriage or truly getting your husband back if he is the one who ends the affair on his own. Because when he is the one who ends the relationship, he has closure. He has made his own decision. And he is making his commitment clear so that he will not feel manipulated or pressured by anyone else.
Often when I tell wives this, they understand that it would be best if their husband ended it, but they don’t think that this will ever be possible. They’ll say things like “well if I wait for him to end the affair on his own, it’s never going to happen. Unless I make him end it, he’s never going to take the initiative to do it. And since the other woman won’t break it off with him, then I need to figure out a way to make him break it off with her.”
I understand this thinking, but I can also tell you that the husband eventually deciding to break it off sometimes comes sooner and easier than you think. Sometimes, you have to let the relationship play out so that your husband can see it for what it truly is.
How Your Actions Can Make Your Husband End The Affair On His Own: Many wives feel as though they need to come up with some sort of sinister plan to “trick” or “make” the husband end to the affair. To be very honest with you, it’s my belief and experience that you will often have the best chance at him ending the affair much sooner if you do just the opposite.
Playing games will usually just make him see the affair and the other woman as an escape. This is the last thing that you want. You don’t want for him to see her as his safe haven while he sees you as a nag. So, really it is best for you to flip this and turn it around to your advantage. As risky as it can feel, sometimes the best thing that you can do is to tell him that it doesn’t make any sense to focus on your marriage when he is an affair or relationship with anyone else. Stress that perhaps you will work with him once he decides that the only woman he wants to be with is you. Until that time, you are going to live your life rather than waiting around for him to make up his mind. No ultimatums. No threats. No game playing. Just conducting yourself with the dignity and respect indicative of the person you are.
I know it hurts when you know that your husband is having an affair. You want it to end right this very second. Unfortunately though, in order for your husband to be finished with the affair once and for all, he has to be the one to end it. And when he ends it because he was forced or pressured into it, he can often resent you while he sees the other woman as “the one who got away.”
So take the high road and know that the chances are good that the affair will fizzle out or he will end it on his own. Ultimately, you want to give yourself the best chance of saving your marriage, so don’t stoop to strategies that are beneath you. Once I placed my focus on elevating myself rather than bringing her down, things changed for me. If it helps, you can read my very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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