How Do I Ruin The Confidence Of The Other Woman?

By: Katie Lersch: It’s understandable that the wife of a man who has cheated will feel somewhat competitive with the “other woman.” This can be true even if the wife no longer wants her husband and doesn’t even care if the affair continues. Regardless of how the wife feels about her husband, she can still feel as if the other woman has somehow won (especially if it appears that the other woman is confident that she has the upper hand or advantage.) And so the wife can wonder how to best shake this confidence.

A wife might describe this situation: “my husband and I have known the other woman for many years. She used to baby sit our children. Sometimes, when we went on vacation, we would pay her to care for our pets. Honestly, I always liked her. She has always been a very sweet person, but she was never what you would call attractive. She has always been overweight and dumpy. With dishwater-colored hair and no make up. Well, she had a health scare last year and she changed her lifestyle and started to work out. She lost some weight and so she kept going with her healthy regimen. She is now super skinny. And she has colored her dishwater hair to a bleached blond. Because of this, she started getting attention from men, so she changed her frumpy clothes to tight-fitting ones. Imagine my horror when I found out that my husband has been cheating on me with her. I suspected something not because they were inappropriate around each other, but because she started acting smug and superior. And even though my husband has started the process of breaking things off, she still acts smug. It’s as if she thinks that she is the most gorgeous and alluring creature in the world. Granted, she has upgraded her appearance. But she was borderline hideous before, so at this point, she’s only a little above average. How can I show her that she is not all that? How do I shake her new found confidence. Every time I see that smug look on her face, it makes me feel ill.”

Please don’t think I’m ducking the original question, but the first thing that I’m wondering is why you still seem to be in contact with the other woman? What opportunities are you having to see her look so smug? This is only my opinion and own experience, but I have come to believe that it is hard to move past the other woman if you are in constant contact with her. In fact, I believe that it’s best for all involved if every one cuts off ties with her. Healing from an affair is difficult enough without her in your life. But it’s much harder with her in it.

You Can’t Always Believe Appearances: If you no longer had contact with her, you wouldn’t need to see her looking smug. Here is another consideration. Sometimes, people who try very hard to seem very confident are anything but. They portray confidence to cover up their insecurities. It’s possible that the other woman isn’t as confident as she appears. She may worry that no one loves the real person inside of her and she is only getting attention because of her new look. She may worry that she may gain back the weight or have a hard time keeping up with her new look. The point I’m trying to make is that you have no way of knowing if her confidence is authentic or if it is just for show.

Frankly, when your relationship is with a man who is married to someone else, how confident can you really be in his commitment level? I hope that this doesn’t come off as too direct, but I’m not sure that your highest priority should be the other woman and what she feels. Your real concern should be yourself and how you feel.

From my own healing process, here is something that I have found to be true in almost all areas of my life, but especially with my marriage. When I worry about what other people think or feel, that means I’m not confident in myself. The problem isn’t with the other people. The problem is with me. But when I place my priority on myself and I get right with me, then I no longer care what others think or feel. And that makes my life so much easier.  And I notice that I am so much happier and so much more at peace.

So I would suggest that your goal should be to have some control over your own feelings instead of hers. Because the truth is, if you can get to a point where you’re healing, and growing, and gaining confidence in yourself, not only will you feel much better, but this is the best possible revenge that you could have.

If she looks back and sees that you and your husband have moved on and are living a happy and fulfilling life and are only focused on that, how good can she possibly feel about herself and about the affair? And, in the end, why should it matter?

I know from own infidelity experience that when we are hurt, we want every one involved to feel as hurt as we feel. But when we heal, that just doesn’t matter as much anymore and this is a huge relief. The truth is, the other woman probably isn’t as confident as you think. But her perceptions and feelings probably won’t matter as much  once you start healing. You can read more about my own journey at

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