How Does The Other Woman In The Affair Think? What Is Her Thought Process?

By: Katie Lersch: I believe it is understandable that many wives are extremely curious about the other woman in the affair. Actually, curious may be too light of a word. For many of us, obsessed is more accurate. Many of us want to know everything that we can about this other woman. But if I am being honest about it, I can tell you that no question is more immediate to us than “why?” And by “why” I mean that we are often left wondering what would drive any decent woman to start up a relationship with a man who has already committed his life to someone else and who may have a family? What kind of woman would willingly insert herself into this situation? What could she possibly be thinking?

A wife may ask about it this way: “my husband really won’t tell me very much about the other woman with whom he had an affair. I have had to do my own research, but I am limited to what I have been able to find online and through asking around. The other woman is younger than my husband. Big surprise, right? He met her at work. Dating co workers is not allowed at my husband’s job. I don’t know how their bosses found out, but they did and they both lost their job. My husband had much more at risk than the other woman. But still, she wasn’t long out of college. This job was a good opportunity for her and she blew it. Now, she isn’t going to be able to get a good reference and she will likely have a hard time finding another job. My husband said she knew that he was married and with a family, but I have no way of confirming whether or not this is true. Assuming that it is true, I have no idea why she would take this sort of risk and act in this way for a much older man. Can’t she find someone her own age? What is the other woman usually thinking when she takes up with a married man? What is in it for her? It’s obvious what is in it for the older, married man. Sex with a younger woman. But what is in it for her?”

The answer to these questions vary greatly. Just like every one has a different personality and a different background, so too does every one have their own reasons. However, after having written on this topic for quite a long time and after hearing from many of these women, I tend to see patterns. So in the following article, I’ll discuss some common scenarios that I often see in the hopes that it might give you some insight into the thought process of the other woman.

She’s Looking To Advance Herself In Some Way: I hate to use the word “gold digger.” It seems like such a nasty word. But the connotations for that word are almost universal and every one knows what this means. However, I do have to stress that this isn’t always about money, although many people have this assumption. Of course, there are always going to be those women who see a vulnerable older man who is wealthy or at who at least has more money than they do and see an opportunity. But there are also those who meet the other man at work and think that he might enhance their career in some way. Or, she may also think that even if it doesn’t advance her career, it is going to make the time spent at the office a lot more tolerable and interesting. In short, she is in the relationship because she perceives that, in least in some way, it is going to enhance something that is important to her – like her finances, her life style, her work, etc.

She May Think That She Truly Loves Him: It would be unfair of me not to mention this because I hear it all of the time. Many “other women” in the affair would truly give almost anything if the other man wasn’t married. This is because she believes that she has strong feelings for him and she only wants to be with him. She’s sorry that her feelings are going to hurt someone, but she can’t turn away. She can’t help how she feels and she often thinks that she won’t ever find someone else who she could love as much. This sometimes happens when the woman is younger and when she is looking for her first serious relationship when the men in her age group are still very immature. Frankly, I would not be telling you the truth if I didn’t also mention that this type of “other woman” often gets hurt. The other man doesn’t always share her deep feelings, or, if he does, he isn’t willing to break up his family over those same feelings.

She May Be Looking For An Escape: You often see this scenario in a situation where both spouses are married. The other woman will tell you that she is has become invisible to her husband and that he no longer sees or listens to her. She feels invisible in her own home. So when someone else’s husband listens and pays attention, the relationship is valuable to her because she is finally getting her needs met. This type of other woman can get emotionally hurt also. Because the truth is, not every husband who cheats is looking to fulfill someone else’s emotional needs since he has a woman for whom he already does this – his wife.

She Wants To Take Something From Someone Else: I saved this for last because I think that this type of other woman is the most rare. But we’ve all known someone like her. Some women go into the affair knowing full well that someone is going to get hurt and not caring one bit. There are some women who just thrive on taking something that belongs to someone else. This is usually the type of woman who will call the wife and take great pleasure in breaking the news of the affair. Often, these women have participated in multiple affairs, even if the husband has no idea about this. These affairs usually don’t last because the husband can figure this dynamic out pretty quickly. She’s not interested in him as much as she is interested in creating drama and turmoil. It’s never about him or someone else. It is always about her.

I understand wanting to know who you are dealing with.  I felt the same way after my own husband’s affair.  But be careful that you don’t become so obsessed with her that you are not concentrating on yourself and on your own healing.  You can read more on on my blog at

Comments are closed.

  • RSS Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

  • Recent Posts

  • Recent Posts