How To Beat The Other Woman At Her Own Game. Can It Be Done?

By: Katie Lersch:  Not all wives who find out that their husband has been cheating on them want to make things work.  Some know immediately that they can’t move past this.  Others believe that initially, but later decide that not only do they want to maintain their marriage, but they want to get their husband’s undivided attention and fidelity.  In short, they want their husband’s attention away from the other woman and back on them.

This can be easier said than done, however.  Not all husbands immediately agree to end the extramarital relationship.  Or the husband may claim that it is over and the wife might sense that this might not be completely accurate.  To that end, many wives want to know how they can get the other woman out of the husband’s mind once and for all.  They might wonder if it’s possible to use her own strategy against her or to “beat her at her own game.”

A wife might ask a question like this one: “unfortunately, I know the woman who my husband has been cheating on me with very well.  We’re not close friends or anything, but she has lived in our neighborhood for a very long time. And she’s very obvious in the way that she wears revealing clothing and is very flirtatious to every man who shows her the slightest bit of attention.  I am angry at my husband, but I do not want to give up on a marriage in which I invested countless years and effort.  One of my girlfriends told me that I should turn the tables on this hag and ‘beat her at her own game.’  I like the idea of turning the tables on her and I’d love to see her face if this were to happen.  But the problem is that it is not really in my personality to act all fake and promiscuous.  My husband would probably know what I was doing and frankly, if I did this and he rejected me, I would feel just awful about it.  Plus, she does have one advantage in that she has no kids.  It’s easy for her to be carefree when I have the obligation of my children.  How do you compete with that and still beat her at her own game?”

I think that there is a way to turn the tables on the other woman, but you have to be very careful when trying to do this because there are some very common pitfalls just waiting for you to step into them. Below, I’ll talk about avoiding the common mistakes and using the advantages that you have to turn the tables.

Understand That You Have To Be Very Careful Of Making Your Plan Obvious:  This wife already intuitively knew that if she went over the top in trying to change her personality, her husband was going to know that something was up.  This is where this plan often goes wrong.  When a wife who has always been shy and introverted suddenly tries to take on a new persona and act like her perception of the other woman, a husband will usually notice and put two and two together.

I am not saying that you can’t try to be the best version of who you already are or that you can’t be more playful and aggressive.  You can. But you want to do it within the confines of what is going to be genuine to you.  It’s vital that anything that you try can be pulled off with confidence.  If you can’t pull it off, it’s best to wait.  And that’s why it’s best not to stray too far from who you really are.  You can certainly improve your genuine self and put yourself out there.  But don’t pretend or you do yourself a disservice. Because you are wonderful just the way you are.  You don’t need to pretend to be anyone else.

Understand The Mistakes That The Other Woman Is Likely Going To Make:  You’ve already hit on one very obvious advantage that many other women think that they have.  Since they are not your husband’s wife, it is so much easier for them to take the “this relationship is all about fun” approach.  And this can be attractive.  But, it’s going to be hard for her to keep this up indefinitely.  Most people are going to eventually get tired of having to be available for whatever time the husband has left over.  Most other women eventually want more and eventually start to make demands. So this advantage doesn’t last forever – which is why it doesn’t make sense to pretend otherwise.  Your husband knows that you care deeply about your children and he should care deeply also.  So while you may feel that you have to compete here, it’s often not as dire as you think.  Eventually, the other woman will usually make demands. And the ruse of “no strings attached” goes right out the window.

Understand That What You Think Works Against You May Really Be An Advantage:  Many wives think that the length of time that they’ve been with their husbands is a disadvantage.  They feel as if he’s gotten tired of his old marriage.  And while both of you may intuitively realize that some aspects could be spruced up, never underestimate your history.  It means that you know your husband better than most anyone.  It means you know how he thinks and what he needs.  The other woman can’t possibly know him in the way you do because she hasn’t stood beside him for all of these years.  She has barely scratched the surface.  Never forget this.

Controlling What You Can:  Many wives feel that they have to compete with the other woman sexually and they will theorize that they must hang from the chandeliers.  While it never hurts to spice up your sex life, trying to take it too far or doing things that you are not comfortable with means you may have a bad experience which will do more harm than good.

What you want is to establish a deep emotional connection which in turn will give way to physical intimacy.  Because this is what every one is looking for.  People who have affairs often desperately want to think that the other person understands and appreciates them.  Of course, this is built on a stack of cards.  Because the relationship is so new, this really can not exist.

But you can show your spouse that you do understand and appreciate them.  You can listen.  You can be there.  You can be attentive.  But you have to understand that people often have affairs when they feel badly about themselves.  And the only person who can make your husband truly feel better about himself is your husband.

You can, however, set up an atmosphere that facilitates this.  You can try to encourage counseling.  You can listen.  You can offer support as best as you can since you are probably struggling too.  And you can take care of and prioritize yourself.

If your husband sees you having enough respect for yourself to make yourself a priority, then you are sending a very important message.  That you are worthy.  That you count too. Confidence is the most sexy asset a woman has.  I learned this the hard way but I firmly believe it.

Frankly, the best way to beat the other woman at her own game is to strengthen your marriage so that he doesn’t need or want to interact with her.  Focusing on her gives her more power.  But focusing on yourself and on your marriage takes that power away.

There were some things that I did to reestablish my personal and sexual confidence.  But ultimately, I came to realize that in order to truly be confident, I had to be myself.  Pretending to be someone else rarely works.  I had to give the best of myself to me first and then I was able to offer it my husband once we healed. There’s more of the story blog at

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