I Cheated And Now I Feel Insecure

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from people who cheated on their spouse and who are now suffering because of it.  Many are suffering for multiple reasons.  They know that the cheating was wrong.  They deeply regret hurting their spouse.  They are concerned as to whether or not their marriage is going to make it.  But, even more than that, they are worried that something is going to happen to make them pay for their cheating.  In short, they are worried about karma or payback.

A wife might say: “I guess my cheating was a one night stand. I was traveling for business and I made the grave mistake of drinking in the hotel bar.  One thing lead to another and the next thing I know, I’m sleeping with a stranger because I had too much to drink.  I told my husband immediately.  I knew that the guilt would be too much.  I told my work that I’m not going to travel anymore.  I have offered to go to counseling.  I’m trying to make this right.  But I am so worried that my husband is going to retaliate in some way.  My husband is a very good person and a very good looking man.  In short, he is considered a catch. I just wonder how long it’s going to be before some woman approaches him and he thinks to himself ‘why not?’  Why be faithful to a woman who has cheated on him?  I wonder how long before he figures out that he deserves much better than me?  I am so insecure now.  Because I guess I know in my heart that he does deserve better than me.  I am so afraid that I am going to lose the best thing that ever happened to me because of my actions.  And the thing is, I know that I deserve to lose him.  I don’t want my insecurity to contribute to this, though.  How can I stop being so insecure?”

I wish I could tell you something that was going to magically make you feel completely secure over night. Unfortunately, I know from my own experience that this is often a process.  I suspect that what is going to give you your security back is when you are able to prove to both yourself and to your husband that you can be a good, loyal and loving spouse. It’s only then that you will know without any doubt that you deserve your husband and that you have earned your way back into his heart.

But this doesn’t happen instantaneously.  It happens over a period of time.  It happens when week after week, month after month, and year after year, you prove that you have been the kind of wife that your husband deserves.

So what do you do until then?  You put both one foot in front of the other and you take it day by day.  If you feel that counseling will help you with security and that it might strengthen your marriage so that you feel a little more reassurance, then I’d strongly encourage that.  In short, you give yourself permission to admit that you’re making the best effort that you can and you understand that you’re going to do everything in your power to make this right again, even if it takes a while.  Isn’t your husband worth the time investment?

You can not change what has happened.  And that is a hard reality.  But what you can do is to use this as a catalyst to ensure that this never happens again and you can vow to show your husband that you are completely sincere about earning his trust back and being a very good spouse to him.  If you can do these things, there is less reason to think that he will want or need to replace you or to hurt you in retaliation.

In my opinion, people are most likely to have revenge affairs when they think their spouse isn’t really remorseful or they can plainly see that their spouse isn’t willing to change their behavior so that they might cheat again.  Make sure that neither of these apply to you and get counseling if you need it so that both you and your husband are secure and fulfilled in your marriage.

I know that this sounds very basic, but it is often more challenging than it appears because such strong emotions are involved and people can read the signals all wrong.  However, once you overcome these things, you may find that your marriage is almost stronger than it ever was, which will give you much more confidence and help greatly with the insecurity.

I was the faithful spouse in my own situation.  And my husband often expressed insecurity and he was afraid that I would cheat on him.  I never did.  I wouldn’t even think of that.  And in time, my husband earned my trust and loyalty back.  He may still have a little insecurity, but it is so much less than it was.  And quite honestly, it is no longer justified.  You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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