I Don’t Trust Other Women After My Husband Cheated And Had An Affair: Tips That Might Help

By: Katie Lersch:  It’s very common for a wife to have serious trust issues after her husband cheats or has an affair.  After all, the person closest to her has betrayed her in a very personal and painful way.  Many wives find that not only do they have trouble trusting their husband, they have trouble trusting many different people, including women.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband admitted to an affair.  I am furious with him and there is plenty of blame available for him.  However, I blame the other woman more than I blame my husband.  After speaking with some of the staff at the restaurant where the other woman works, I’m starting to hear that she pursued my husband when he would go into the restaurant to have business meetings.  She probably knew that he had a bit of success and money and decided to go after him.  This just infuriates me with her.  My husband is a decent looking guy but he certainly does not have movie star good looks.  Women are interested in him because of his money and his status.  And to be honest, this makes me suspicious and distrustful of any women who spend time with my husband.  I find myself uncomfortable with the secretary he has had for many years.  Every time we go somewhere, I find myself sizing up any of the women who are present.  I also think about how some of my friends and acquaintances knew about the infidelity and they said nothing because they were intimidated by my husband.  So I never tell any of my friends about my marriage anymore.  In fact, I never even talk about my husband at all because I’m so paranoid that someone is going to use this information against me.  I don’t want to live my life this way.  But I have been burned so badly.  And I’ve met many women who have told me that other women pursued their husbands too.   Will I ever trust women again?”

I got the impression that this wife felt that her feelings were silly or unjustified.  But I completely understood them.  It is just natural to be distrustful of anyone after you have suffered from this kind of betrayal.  However, no one should have to live their life in this way.  Everyone needs people close to them.  And it’s impossible to feel close to someone when you don’t trust them.    Below, I will offer some tips to help you address this issue.

Try To Trust Those People You Know Well And Have No Reason To Distrust:  Unfortunately, this wife found herself distrusting pretty much every one.  And this was quite detrimental to her because the very people who would probably had been happy to support her had been cast out of her life.   The rule of thumb that I try to follow when it comes to trust is that I make every effort to give people the benefit of the doubt, especially if I know them well.   Sure, there were people who kept my husband’s secrets and those people deserved my distrust.  But, it wasn’t fair for me to punish those friends and family members who had done nothing wrong.

The chances are good that you have some friends or family members that had no involvement in the infidelity.  So, there’s really no concrete reason to distrust these folks right now.   Not only that, but you likely could use a support of system of people outside of your marital situation.

Know That As You Learn To Trust Your Husband Again, Your Distrust Of Others Will Start To Wane:  I know that many people might disagree with what I am about to say.  But I have come to believe that if you believe in and trust your husband, you won’t have a reason to distrust third parties.  Now, many people will say that there are crafty women who set out to make otherwise happily married men cheat.  And I know that these women do exist.  But they do not physically force anyone to cheat.   Infidelity can’t take place unless, on some level, the husband is willing.

A man who is fully rehabilitated should be able to handle situations in which there is temptation.   That doesn’t mean you should let your husband go on overnight business trips alone if it makes you feel uncomfortable.  And you should certainly use your doubt as motivation to strengthen your marriage.  But, if you’ve done everything in your power to be sure that your husband is rehabilitated and you have rebuilt your marriage to the point where it is very solid and you are both fulfilled, then ask yourself if your distrust is misplaced or if it is hurting your marriage more than temptation ever could.  Because I have to tell you that often, this distrust and unease will ultimately hurt your marriage because your husband will start to feel that no matter what he does, you will never trust him again.  That’s why it can be important to ask yourself if you are reacting to anything concrete or if you have just become distrustful of every one.

For a long time, I felt as if I needed to watch my husband (and the women around him) like a hawk.  I just didn’t trust anyone.  But over time, I realized that my behavior was only making things worse. I chose to trust him until he gave me a reason not to and this has worked well for us.  Of course, I am attentive to our marriage and any behaviors that may be important.  But I decided that I no longer wanted to live a life dictated by distrust and insecurity.  If it helps, you can read about how I was able to recover from the affair on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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