My Affair Partner Won’t Let Go: Tips That Might Help

By: Katie Lersch:  Believe it or not, many people express a sense of relief when the affair ends.  Sometimes, the intensity of the affair is very exciting at first, but it becomes troublesome as time goes on, especially if the affair partner clings too tightly or almost becomes obsessive.  So it can be a huge relief to finally realize that the relationship was unhealthy and to go ahead and end it.

However, sometimes this relief is short-lived because, no matter how careful you are about how you end it, your affair partner can refuse to believe or accept it.  This can cause serious problems with your reconciliation (if that is the route you are pursuing,) and can make you wonder how to get your point across.

Someone might explain: “if I’m being honest, I have to admit that the other man came along in my life at a time when I truly needed someone.  My husband had cheated on me the year before and my self esteem was at an all time low. So when a very good-looking and younger man paid attention to me, I ate it up.  I was very receptive.  I needed it.  My husband had been trying to tell me that I was still attractive, etc., but I didn’t believe it coming from him. I was very willing to hear it from another man, though.  And not too long after that, we started having an affair.  Five years ago, I would have never believed that I would have cheated.  But frankly, I no longer had any qualms about it since my husband had cheated on me.  At first, I was actually quite happy.  The other man could not compliment me enough.  He was extremely attentive and sweet.  But over time, he began to get somewhat possessive.  If I had to do things with my family (like holidays or special occasions,) he became quite jealous and would actually text me repeatedly when he knew that I was with my family.  He started becoming a bit of a pain.  I tried to slow things down, but he wasn’t having it.  Finally, I decided that this was no longer worth it.  I told my husband everything and I broke off the affair.  My husband was understanding.  How could he not be, since he himself cheated?  However, the other man was not understanding. He keeps texting.  He has even called.  He has told me that maybe he just needs to have a face-to-face talk with my husband.  Obviously, I want to avoid this.  But he is not taking no for an answer.  He’s saying he loves me and that he knows that I will eventually regret giving him up.  I’ve made my decision. And the way that he is acting only reinforces that it was the right decision.  But how do I make him see that?”

Be Careful Not To Fall Into The Trap Of Giving The Affair Partner What They Want: This is tricky.  It’s tempting to just keep repeating your message in the hopes that at some point he will hear the message and be forced to accept it.  But when you do this, you are actually giving him exactly what he wants – more of your time and attention.  So long as you’ve been clear that it is definitely over and you are not going to change your mind, there is really no reason to keep hashing it out over and over again.

It’s my observation that people keep going back to the well only when there is a pay off.  If all they get is silence and are basically being ignored, there is no longer any pay off so there is no longer any reason to engage.  Now, sometimes you may have to change your phone numbers and emails in order to be able to not provide any pay off.  (And if you think that there is a really a chance that he will come by and see your husband, then you probably need to warn your husband about this and to put safeguards in place.)

Plus, if you think that there is any chance that he will be a threat in any way, then you need to take action to keep yourself (and your family) safe.  Only you can evaluate the need for this.

Ending Any Pay Off: It’s not unusual for an affair partner to have problems accepting your decision to end it.  Even if you’ve been clear on the fact that you didn’t intend to end your marriage because of the affair, the affair partner can still feel as if they are owed something because of their investment in time and emotions.  And they may try to make you feel guilty or ashamed because of this.  It’s best to stand you ground, make sure that you were clear, and then do not give them any pay off that would make them want to continue.  If all they hear is silence for their efforts, then what is the point of continuing?

We’ve all been in relationships that have ended and then had a hard time accepting it because we were hurt.  But most of us eventually move on because we would be wasting our time otherwise.  The key is the realization that continuing to put in time and effort is a waste of time.  And that is where not providing any pay off is key.

Thankfully, the other woman in my case high-tailed it out of my life.  But we had other issues that needed to be dealt with. You can read more on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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