My Husband Agreed To Stay After His Affair But Has Admitted That He’s No Longer Attracted To Me

By: katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who are trying to desperately to save the marriage that has been racked by cheating.  Often, they feel that they almost have to fight to keep their cheating spouse from leaving.  Many have become so emotionally upset during this process that they are willing to do almost anything to make this happen.  And somewhere along the way, they can sometimes lose their sense of self.  And they begin to worry that they aren’t good enough and therefore will not be able to keep their husband.  Their beauty, sex appeal, and level of attractiveness if often a huge issue.  And sometimes this is because the husband has made it an issue.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband cheated with a woman from his office.  The affair went on for almost nine months before I caught him. Although I was angry, I still knew early on that I wanted to save my marriage.  Despite my husband’s faults, I still love him.  I don’t want a divorce. I want for him to stay with me so that we can work this out.  At first, he was reluctant to stay.  He didn’t seem to know what or who he wanted.  He wouldn’t give me an answer right away.   Last week, he sat me down and told me that he would agree to stay.  But he said that he had to be honest with me.  He said that the affair happened because he was no longer attracted to me.  He says that my appearance no longer seems to be important to me.  This hurt me more than the affair did.  I admit that I don’t look the same way that I did when we got married.  But my goodness I have two kids to care for.  I don’t get to the gym nearly as much.  And I’ve never been a high maintenance person who wears tons of make up or flashy clothes.  And my husband seemed to like the low maintenance side of me.  But the woman that he cheated with is very heavily made up and fake looking.  So now I am asking myself if I need to now look more like her instead of more like myself.  Obviously, I need for him to be attracted to me again.  But how far should I take this?”  I will answer these questions in the following article.

Understand That Attraction Isn’t Dependent On Your Looks:  I know that when someone tells you that they aren’t as attracted to you, then your mind immediately begins to wonder what is wrong with you.  As a result, you might look in the mirror and scrutinize yourself and try to examine what someone else would perceive as unattractive.  But before you do that, please consider that attraction isn’t all about your looks.

I dialog with a lot of men on my blog about this very topic, and when they talk about attraction, looks and physical attributes aren’t the only things that they list. They find confidence attractive.  They find understanding attractive. They like women who take the time to fully understand them and love them that much more for it.  They like it when you take the time to understand what makes them tick and then offer it up enthusiastically.

I know that this might sound a bit unfair. But when you think about it, women are not all that different in what they also find attractive.  Although we value character and kindness a little more, we also like someone who is confident and who is going to take the time to learn what makes us gel.  We want someone who is going to make us feel like a better version of ourselves.  Men are really no different.  And when you take care of yourself but are true to yourself at the same time, you show that you value the both of you.

So before you think that you have to make a drastic change to your appearance, know that this isn’t always what he is looking for.  Sometimes, you are better off comparing yourself to who you once were, especially if you are a mother or you have a very full plate at the time.  Because sometimes when we are juggling too much, we lose a little of ourselves.  We lose that fun loving, life embracing, passionate person that we were.  And this has nothing whatsoever to do with the way that we look or how much we weigh.

Change Only What You Yourself Believe Is Necessary:  It is very common for a woman in this situation to make very drastic changes and then wonder what is wrong when their husband doesn’t immediately respond in a positive way.  They don’t understand his reaction because they think that they have given their husband what he wants.  But do you know why I think that this doesn’t work?  Because it’s pretty obviously not genuine.  It comes off as fake because you were doing it for someone else.  And it doesn’t hit the target.

I would suggest thinking very carefully before you make any changes.  You want to change things that you yourself have always wanted to improve. You want to make sure that anything you change is something that has been bothering you, not bothering him.  The reason for this is that the changes will be authentic, they will stick, and they will enable you to be more confident instead of less so.

I know that you might be afraid that this lack of attraction might mean the end of your marriage.  It’s normal to panic.  But try not to.  Because panicking leads to desperation which frankly usually makes him less attracted to you and just makes this worse.

In fact, you will often need for the opposite to happen.  You will need to cultivate an attitude of confidence and you will need to give off the vibe that he’s actually lucky to be married to you. Because not only is it true, but it’s also usually very attractive when you are able to pull it off.

This may seem impossible but it isn’t.  Take the time to focus on yourself.  You deserve to be the best version of yourself.  You need to discover why and how you are lovable.  Frankly, until you love yourself and find yourself attractive, then you can’t project this to someone else.

I will admit that I made some physical changes after my husband’s affair.  But I was very careful and deliberate about this.  Because I knew that if I was changing for him, this would hurt my self esteem even more and my goal really was to enhance my self esteem.  Loving myself enabled me to believe that I was lovable to him and this made a huge difference.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog http://surviving-the-affair.com.  There is also a good resource on that blog (called her secrets) that is good for restoring sexual confidence.

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