Infidelity Articles By Katie Lersch

By: Katie Lersch:  I often hear from wives who are trying to decide on the best way to handle the woman at work (coworker) who their husband has cheated with. Often, they are left wondering if they should go and confront her face to face, if maybe they should contact via letter or email to avoid the face to face contact, or if they should just ignore her all together. Which option the wife is leaning toward will usually depend on a combination of her personality, the other woman, and the circumstances of the affair.

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband admitted to me that he cheated with and eventually started up a short affair with a coworker. This woman recently transferred into my husband’s division at work. So I have never met her. Last quarter, his division went to an out of state seminar. The cheating started at the hotel where the seminar took place and they continued on with the affair after they got home. However, my husband said that once he got back home to reality, he knew that it was a mistake and he immediately wanted to cut it off. He said the other woman resisted cutting it off at first. And that’s why I feel the need to go see her or maybe send her a letter. I sort of want to see what she looks like and feel her out. But, more than that, I want her to know that this man has a family at home to whom he is responsible and committed. I want her to know about the two little boys who run to the door every night when their father comes home. I want her to know what she is potentially wrecking. So should I go see her? I want to but I’m afraid I might break down or lose my temper. That’s why writing her a letter or sending her an email is another option. I could have my say without having to worry about losing control of my emotions or the wild card of how she is going to react to me. My husband is begging me just to leave her alone. He says that it was hard enough getting her to accept the message of ‘it’s over’ and if I get her all stirred up by confronting her, I will only make matters worse. What is the right call here? Should I go see or email her? Or should I just try to let her go and hope that she moves on so my husband and I can try and do the same?”

Depending on who is asking the question, you’re going to get different answers. As a wife who has been cheated on, I do understand the desire to face, communicate with, or clarify things for this woman. However, in the couple of years that I have had my blog, I have so rarely seen this scenario turn out satisfying or making things better. I will tell you why I think this is the case in the following article.

Often The Other Woman Will Have The Need To Defend Herself Which Compromises Any Closure Or Clarification That You Are Trying To Achieve: Many wives want to get a mental picture of the competition. They want to see if this other woman is pretty and how she compares to them. But what you may not consider is that will happen if she’s not what you expected. So many times, wives will tell me that they meet her and that she’s not even pretty or appealing in any way. So then their mind will start to go in overdrive to determine what the appeal might have been.

Another thing that sometimes happens is that you hope that she will be reassuring and understanding so that you will get some closure, but you find that she is anything but. She will tell you that your husband was the aggressor. Particularly mean or resentful women will even try to make you think the affair is still going on when it isn’t. At the very least, you need to understand that it’s human nature to want to defend yourself when confronted and to paint yourself out to be the innocent victim. This is what you might get when you confront her and you will then need to decipher what she says or decide who you are going to believe which means that you will likely go home and make all sorts of accusations towards your husband which will ensure that the progress for which you’ve worked so hard will now be in question. So that closure and clarification that you wanted? Sometimes not only do you not get that, but you’re more confused and conflicted than before you contacted her.

Some Drawbacks Of Sending Her A Letter Or Email: There are some advantages to contacting her in writing. She can’t interrupt you. And you won’t be bombarded with a response. You don’t have to worry about your emotions taking over when you try to deliver the message. However sending her an email doesn’t ensure that she won’t have her say. Many wives find that the other woman emails them back or worse, shows up on their doorstep with smoke coming out of her ears ready to pick a fight.

And you have to watch what you say when you put your message in writing because she has written proof of what you have said. Never include something that you wouldn’t want your husband to know or read because you can bet that she’s going to march right to your husband and let him read what you have written.

I often advise wives to go ahead and write the letter or email, but promise themselves that they will hold onto it for five days before sending it. Often, you will hopefully find that just the act of putting your feelings into words will help. And the five days will give you some time to calm down and really think long and hard about whether sending the letter or email is really necessary. After having some time to think about it, you might decide that the risk just isn’t worth it.

The Bottom Line: To me, the bottom line is that the face-to-face meeting and the letter to the other woman (especially when she is a coworker) rarely goes well. Often, seeing her is just going to give you a mental picture to have in your mind every time your husband goes to work. If there are some things that you want her to know about your family, you can enlist a trusted friend who also works at the company. This is probably the best call. You don’t want your husband communicating with her any longer. And you’re doing so just opens the door for more heartache and drama. In my opinion and experience, the best thing that you can do is to try to improve your marriage and move on with your life. If at all possible, have your husband move to another department and project so that he no longer has to work closely with her and get her as far away from him and your family (both literally and figuratively) as is possible.

As I alluded to, I had issues about contact and talking the other woman after my husband’s affair. In the end, I decided not to. And from all of the stories I hear on my blog, I am glad I made this choice. Meeting with her wasn’t necessary to save my marriage after the affair, because I did that anyway – without any assistance or information from her. If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

 

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