My Husband Has Admitted To Having Feelings For A Woman At Work, But Says He Still Loves Me. Should I Worry?

by: Katie Lersch:  If I had to name the most common place where infidelity happens, it would be at the work place.  I would say that the vast majority of the correspondence that I get about cheating and affairs happen in a work place setting.  And I often hear from people who are concerned about a relationship that they see forming at their spouse’s job.

I recently heard from a wife who said, in part: “I had a strong suspicion that my husband was developing feelings for a woman at his work every time I saw the two of them together.  I also couldn’t help but notice that he constantly talked about her and often mentioned them having lunch together, sometimes without others present.  When I confronted him about this, at first he denied that anything was wrong.  He said that they were just colleagues who had a lot of projects together. But later, I found some texts from her that were very flirty in nature.  So, once again, I confronted him and he continued to deny everything.  But this time, I continued to press him and eventually, he broke down and admitted that he had “strong romantic feelings” for this woman, but insisted that he still loved me and was committed to our marriage and therefore, would never act on his feelings.  My husband has never lied to me, so I want to believe him.  But in the back of my mind, I wonder if I should be worried about this.  It’s not a good sign when your husband admits to having romantic feelings for someone else.  So what should I do about this? Am  I right to worry?”

I believe that the wife was right to feel concerned.  From all of the correspondence that I get that outline affairs (even only emotional ones) at work, I can tell you that feelings that aren’t even acted upon can absolutely seriously harm your marriage.  Not only that, but it’s not at all uncommon for people to eventually act upon these feelings even when they never intended to do so.  And finally, sometimes people will insist that they only have feelings, when in fact they are trying to spare the feelings of their spouse by denying an affair (emotional or physical) that actually does exist.

Sometimes when I share my feelings on this, I’m accused of being paranoid or distrustful.  But, I think that I’d rather someone be paranoid but proactive than being trusting but later very sorry when they’re trying to recover from full fledged infidelity.  It’s easier to prevent an affair than to recover from one, in my experience and opinion.

What To Do When Your Husband Admits To Having Feelings For Someone Else, But Denies Acting On These Feelings: This is only my opinion from my own experience,  but I believe that just sitting back and hoping for the best is a mistake that I see happening over and over again.   You can still make every attempt to believe and trust your spouse while being proactive about saving and safe guarding your marriage.  When your husband has admitted to feeling romantic and loving toward someone else (who he sees and interacts with on a close and personal level every day,) then my feeling is that you are justified in taking action.

One suggestion might be to see if your husband can stop having to work so closely with her.  Can he transfer, move to another department or partner with someone else?  This may sound drastic, but again it’s usually much easier to prevent infidelity than the heal or recover from it.  And, if you get resistance from your husband, then this will give you some important clues as to how he really feels and how invested he is in any close relationship with her.

Another thing that you will want to consider is strengthening and safe guarding your marriage.  You want to make sure that things are very good at home so that he won’t have any reason to lament his marriage or talk about what it lacks with this other woman.  You want to make it so that the two of you are as connected as you can possibly be.  And, it’s certainly not a bad idea to swing by and have lunch with him as much as you possibly can.  After all, when he’s having lunch with you, he won’t be meeting with her and she will see that your marriage is his reality and that it is solid and still very much in tact.

You also might want to look at where your marriage is vulnerable.  Many women will deny that there are issues or problems, but I would argue that if your husband is developing feelings for someone else, then there are likely issues somewhere.  There are likely vulnerabilities that you may not have considered or noticed, but which are most certainly coming into play.  And again, if your husband is resistant to exploring these issues to strengthen your marriage, this might be indicative or what is truly going on with him and how deep his commitment really is to her or to you and your marriage.  Because men will sometimes say words of reassurance, only to lack the actions to follow them through in the end.

This is not always the case, of course.  Sometimes, a husband will do exactly what you’ve asked of him and the relationship or feelings for the other woman will fizzle out once you prioritize your marriage.  However, to answer the question posed, yes, I do feel that there are plenty of reasons to worry, be concerned, or at least pay attention when your husband admits having feelings for someone else, even if he swears he’d never act on them.  In my view, it’s better to be concerned and to take swift action than to vow not to worry, only to regret it later.

I know from experience that it’s easier to strengthen your marriage than it is to recover from an affair.  My husband was unfaithful during the course of his job and I just didn’t see it coming.  Since you have a warning and a head’s up, you don’t need to allow this to happen to you.  Fortunately, our marriage did eventually fully recover and is quite good today. If it helps, you can read more of that story on my blog at Http://surviving-the-affair.com

 

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