My Husband Has Promised To Remain Faithful After His Affair But I’m Not Sure If I Believe Him

By: Katie Lersch: I sometimes hear from wives who want so much to believe that their husband will remain faithful after he has already had one affair.  Many of these wives are dealing with a husband who is making all sorts of promises to remain faithful and to never even look at another woman again.  Of course, this is what the wife wants to hear and she would love to be able to believe these words.  But often, she understandably has doubts.  After all, his marriage vows didn’t stop him from being unfaithful before, so what is going to be so different this time around?

I heard from a wife who said: “my husband had a 2 month affair with the woman who managed our apartment complex.  He works from home.  So while I was at work, he had all the time in the world to cheat on me.  I only found out because she left a message on our machine that he meant to delete but didn’t.  As soon as I confronted him, my husband crumbled and said he would immediately break it off and that we could even move if that would make me feel better.  I didn’t want to live in same building with this woman.  So we did move.  We moved way across town so I don’t have to worry about him seeing her.  My husband seems to be sincere in how remorse and, last night, he sat me down, looked into my eyes and I said ‘I promise you that I will be faithful to you for the rest of my life.  You never have to worry about me cheating on you again.’  I so wanted to hear these words.  And I so want to believe what he is saying.  But somewhere deep inside me, I have doubts.   To be honest, I was blown away by this cheating.  I never suspected he would do something this.  He’s always been a loving and loyal husband.  So I’m afraid that if I believe and trust in him, I would be blindsided again.  What should I do?”  I will try to address these concerns in the following article.

Know That You Don’t Have To Blindly Take His Word For Anything:  Many wives feel as though they either have to blindly believe their husband or they have to discount everything that he says very openly.  This just isn’t the case.  You would not be a normal human being if you did not have doubts after you’ve been hurt.  There is nothing wrong with wanting to believe him while watching closely for any signs that he’s giving you a reason not to believe him.  You can be clear about this if it makes you feel better to do so.  You might respond with something like: “I very much want to believe you when you say that you will remain faithful.  But you have to understand that I’m going to have some doubts until enough time has passed where your claims have been nothing but true.   My plan is to proceed along as if I can believe you until you give me a reason not to.  But, know that I’m going to be watching closely, not because I expect you to cheat but because it is just human nature to want to protect yourself from repeated pain.  Know that it’s my intention to give you the benefit of the doubt when I can.  And this process might be easier for me if we could work together to put some safeguards in place so that I will feel more secure and you will feel accountable.”

Putting Safeguards In Place Is An Effective Way To Address Your Doubts:   You have every right to ask your husband to make some concessions right now.  In order to reestablish the trust, you will need to understand why he was unfaithful and then address the things that may have lead to this.  In this situation, the wife worked very long hours  and they rarely checked in with one another during the day.  So one safeguard that might make sense would be for the husband and wife to have lunch together on a daily basis.  The wife could come home for lunch or the husband could travel to her.  But reconnecting like this on a daily basis will go a long way toward making the wife feel more secure.

Many wives want their husband to check in very regularly. They want access to cell phones and emails because this makes them feel better.  I do not see a problem with this, especially at first.  I believe that anything that the husband can do to make the wife feel more secure is absolutely worth it.  Many husbands will resist this because  they’ll tell you that it feels like an invasion of their privacy or it feels as if their wife is more like their mother than their spouse.  I would respond by saying that these safeguards won’t be necessary forever and that it is your own actions that made them necessary.  So, if this is what the wife needs in order to believe he will remain faithful, then the husband should be motivated to cooperate.

I too wanted to believe that my husband would remain faithful after his affair.  But I didn’t want to be naive either.  For a while, I did require accountability and safeguards.  And my husband’s willingness to work with me meant quite a lot to me.  It showed that my comfort was important to him than his own.  And it was one of the reasons we were able to save our marriage after the affair.  If it helps, you can read the whole story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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