My Husband Just Confessed His Love For Another Woman. What Should I Do?

By: Katie Lersch: I often hear from wives who are hurt and worried about their husband’s sudden confession.  Often, their husband has sat them down and confessed that he has feelings for another woman. Sometimes, he will try to downplay these feelings and tell the wife that although he does have some romantic feelings for someone else, he would never act on them.  Other times, the husband is very specific and he tells that wife that he has fallen in love with someone else.  Some husbands are purposefully vague on whether or not he is ever going to act on his feelings.

I heard from a wife who said: “I’ve been suspecting that something is going on with my husband for several weeks. He’s been working late and he is cold and distant.  But more than that, he has been secretive.  He doesn’t seem to be open to me and he doesn’t seem to be OK with me being around him.  I have been repeatedly asking him what is wrong and he has denied that anything unusual was happening.  But last night he must have changed his mind because he sat me down and told me that he had fallen in love with someone else.  He said that he was telling me this because he felt that I had the right to know. He said that he has known this woman from work for many years but over the past several months, she transferred to his department and he has been working very closely with her. He said that at first they were casual friends but now they are very close, almost like soul mates.  He said that their relationship is not inappropriate and has not turned romantic.  I asked him why he was telling me all of this and he told me that he wasn’t sure.  He said he just wanted for me to be aware of this and that he wasn’t planning to cheat on me, but he felt this pull from two different directions meaning he knows that he is committed to me by marriage but he also can’t deny his feelings for her.  At this point, he’s assuring her that he would not cheat on me, but in the back of my mind I’m wondering if he is considering divorcing or separating from me in order to be with her.  Maybe he is telling me to give me some sort of warning before hand. What do I do now?”

Needless to say, this wife was wondering what strategy would make the husband less likely to engage with the other woman and more likely to remain faithful and committed to his marriage.  But the real challenge here was that the wife truly couldn’t figure out her husband’s intention in telling her this.  She couldn’t help but wonder if he was setting her up for a divorce.

This May Be A Call To Action: Of course, I can’t possibly know what this husband was thinking. But I can tell you that many men who cheat or have affairs do not warn their wife of the same.  They generally will not come and give you a heads up because the last thing that they want is for you to find out about any part of this.

I’m not saying that there aren’t any husbands who confess that they love someone else and then later leave to be with the other person.  I’m sure this happens.  But it’s my experience that many men who cheat don’t tip you off to the existence of the other woman until they are caught.

Again, I could be wrong, but to me it seemed more likely that the husband was trying to warn the wife.  He was almost hoping that she would take some action and stop the course of actions that seemed to already be in motion.

I Believe It’s In Your Best Interest To Take Some Action: So the first thing that I would do is pay close attention.  Men who are very intimately bonded with their wife are not generally available to fall in love with other women.  I’m not saying that affairs are always planned and that they don’t sneak up on people, but generally men who are crazy about and committed to their wives will avoid these types of situations.  (And they may well have been what the husband was trying to do right now, albeit a little late in the game.)

This wife was clear on the fact that maintaining her marriage was the most important thing to her.  Yes, she was disappointed in her husband and she was jealous and hurt.  But she wanted to put that aside for now and place her focus on trying to save her marriage before the relationship went any further.

So the next step might be to have a conversation with her husband that went something like: “well, as hurtful as that is I’m glad that you told me before anything happened.  Right now, I think we need to focus on our marriage and on safeguarding it so that nothing happens that we are both going to regret.  To that end, I am willing to do whatever is necessary.  We can talk about counseling or anything that you think might help to strengthen our marriage.  I also need for you to make a strong commitment to remove any obstacle to you remaining faithful to me.  Now that I know this, I am very uncomfortable with you working with her.  Will you ask for a transfer so you are not working directly with her any longer? I know that you say she is a good friend to you, but it’s at the point where it would be too easy to cross the line and I have real concerns.  I am asking you to make our marriage the priority.  You have done that by being honest with me now I need you to take that a step further and remove any  temptations.  Will you do that?”

Then, just listen.  The husband may or may not agree to this.  He may ask for more time.  Try to work with him rather than arguing with him and remember that he didn’t have to tell you.  The fact that he did can be telling.

My husband did not do anything to tip me off that he was cheating.  We were able to save our marriage, but it look a while and it was painful.  That’s why I believe that it’s so much easier and efficient to spring into action and to do the work before any infidelity happens.  If it helps, you can read about my recovery on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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