My Husband Says He Cheated Because He Wanted Me To Want Him More Than I Did
By: Katie Lersch: I’m never really shocked at the excuses that cheating men give their wives once they have been caught. Granted, not all men fall into the “excuse category.” Some men will take responsibility for their choice and do their very best to be honest about whatever motivations are behind the infidelity. Unfortunately though, this description does not apply to all cheating husbands. There are also those who will do their very best to at least partially shift the blame onto their innocent wife.
One example of this is the husband who says he cheated to get his wife more interested in him. He’ll tell her that he hoped that once she saw that another woman was attracted to him, then she would find him more attractive as a result. The theory is that once the wife has some competition, suddenly she will be willing to fight for him when she never had an interest in doing so before.
A wife might explain it this way: “I was astounded and devastated when I caught my husband cheating on me. And I honestly do not believe for a second that he wanted for me to find out like he claims. Frankly, he had done a pretty good job of covering his tracks and he clearly made a concentrated effort to do so. He opened a fake email account. He got a throw-away phone. It was only by a fluke that I caught him. But now he wants to pretend as if this was all part of his master plan. He says that he hoped that once I saw that other women could find him attractive and desirable, that I would pay attention to him and want him more. He says that he has always felt as though he wanted and valued me more than I wanted and valued him. He said he always felt as if he was not good enough for me. I admit that I am not someone who lavishes on a lot of affection. But I am like this with everyone – not just my husband. And I have always been this way. My husband has not complained about this for the whole time we have been married, which is why I really do not buy it. What do you think of this excuse?”
I tend to agree with you, especially since it appears that he covered his tracks so that you would not catch him. If his plan all along was to yearn for you to want him more, then it would seem that he would have been leaving clues, not hiding them.
Finding The Sliver Of Truth: To be fair, there may be a bit of validity to what he is saying. It may be accurate that he was reacting to not feeling desirable. And this may not have had anything to do with you. People often project their worries and inadequacies on those who are closest to them. It could be that YOU aren’t making him feel inadequate; but that he simply feels that way and is looking for an excuse or an easier person to blame than himself.
There Are No True Excuses: Regardless, none of this is a valid excuse. If both of you agree that the level of affection and validation isn’t there and you both want to save the marriage, then this is something that you might want to address in the recovery process, but it doesn’t excuse his cheating.
If you’d like to express this to him, you might try: “I hear what you are saying, but I don’t accept it as a valid excuse. Even if you legitimately felt that way, there’s never an excuse to cheat. And you certainly could have come to me and discussed it instead of cheating and putting everything at risk. If, down the road, we decide that we want to save our marriage, we can address how you feel or felt. But I don’t think that we will be able to do that until you take responsibility for our choices and actions. I won’t accept the blame for what you did. Your taking responsibility is the first step and I need for that to happen before I make any decisions about our marriage. I regret that you felt the way that you did, but it doesn’t change anything for me. Please reconsider your approach to this because it doesn’t get us anywhere. And it doesn’t make me want you anymore. I’d find you more desirable if you’d stand up, take responsibility, and communicate with me directly.”
Hopefully, this will make him see that you are not willing to accept his convenient excuse and you are not going to take the blame. Most men come to realize this eventually, but you can sometimes shorten the process and save everyone some trouble by being direct and open about it.
Of course, my husband tried various excuses too. But I wasn’t having it. And he eventually came to realize this and got serious about taking responsibility. There’s more about that on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com
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