My Husband Wanted To Have Lots Of Sex Right After He Had An Affair. But Now He Doesn’t. What Is Going On?

By: Katie Lersch: It’s very common to use your sex life in order to gauge how your marriage is faring after an affair. While I understand this and I did it myself, I have to say that it is not the most accurate measurement of how your marriage is holding up. It’s normal for your sex life to wax and wane as you move through healing. I’ll expand on this below.

A wife might share this concern: “I will admit that after I found out about my husband’s affair, we went at it like rabbits. I’m embarrassed about this, but I have read that it can be normal. And frankly, I found it pretty encouraging. This went on for a few weeks after I learned about his affair. However, lately he doesn’t seem that interested. I am so worried about this. My mind runs away from me and I start to think that maybe he has gone back to the other woman and is getting sex from her. Or I worry that he has perhaps changed his mind about saving our marriage because he is not longer interested in me sexually anymore. What is going on here?”

Well, I can only speculate. Because there are so many possible reasons. And, as I said before, it is absolutely normal for your sex life to fluctuate as you try to navigate the affair. While it’s more common for the faithful spouse to pull back, the unfaithful spouse can certainly pull back also. Why would he do this? Here are some possible reasons.

He Starts To Worry That He Doesn’t Deserve It: Believe it or not, some men pull back when they look back and see how their spouse is standing behind them and even willingly resuming intercourse when perhaps it is too early for them even to deserve it. They can feel guilty about this. So they may be pulling away to see how you might react to this.

He May Worry About What You Are Thinking Of Him: Many men worry that you are going to think that they are creepy for wanting to have and resume sex so soon. Perhaps he wasn’t worrying about this at the very beginning because he was so caught up in trying to show you how sorry he was and how much he still loves you. But, when things calm down, the begins to worry about how he is being perceived.  He doesn’t want to give the idea that all he cares about is sex.

The Time For Confirmation Might Have Passed: Since this wife knew that a lot of marital sex after an affair was normal, she probably also knew that one reason for this is that both parties desperately want confirmation that their spouse still desires and wants them, despite the horrible thing that has just passed through their marriage. But once you get that confirmation, then the desperation abates and so might the sex. This doesn’t necessarily mean that there is anything wrong.

Of course, I’m not going to tell you that it’s not possible that he’s resumed the affair. I can’t possibly know that. You can certainly look for clues or signs that will give you more information and you can certainly ask him why your sex life has slowed down because communication during recovery is vital.

But I hope that this article has shown you that there are various and legitimate reasons that your sex life might fluctuate. Honestly, throughout the course of your marriage, your sex life will fluctuate without cause for concern. But once you have fought through an affair, you become very observant of this because you are afraid of the infidelity happening again.

And this is often a positive development. It’s good to be observant about your marriage. But you don’t want to take it too far and think that every time you aren’t completely passionate, then there is something wrong. This isn’t always the case.

Our sex life was up and down after my husband’s affair. And sometimes I did worry about this.  But time has taught me that sometimes, I have a tendency to look for things that weren’t there.  You can read more about my recovery on my blog at

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