My Husband’s Mother And Children Say They Don’t Blame Him At All For Cheating On Me

By: Katie Lersch:  When you find out that your husband has been cheating on you, frankly, you can use all of the support that you can get.  I don’t always think it’s a great idea to tell a bunch of people about the affair, but it’s natural to want people to be outraged and angry on your behalf.

However, when the very people who you’d normally turn to for support turn against you, it hurts. And it can leave you wondering if this whole thing is your fault after all. A wife might admit: “I am stunned that my husband’s family are not only not angry with him for cheating on me, they act as if I almost deserved it.  Now, I admit that I am the one who brought it up at a family dinner.  And that was bad timing and inappropriate of me.  I knew that I was too upset to get through the dinner as though nothing happened, so I really should have canceled.  But I didn’t.  And I just blurted everything out.  My husband’s daughter responded by saying: ‘well, cheating is never a great thing to do to someone, but I can understand why he did it.  You aren’t good to him, you’re downright mean to him sometimes.  And a person can only take so much.’  Then his mother piped in with: ‘you really do not bring much to the table and you bring him down.   You can’t blame him for turning elsewhere.’  I honestly did not know what to say, so I left the table before I said something that I would regret.  I admit that I am not always a joy to be around lately.  I have been struggling emotionally and sometimes, I do lash out at my husband. I know that I do this out of insecurity, because I am afraid to lose him.  But I never thought that he would cheat on me.  He’s saying that we can work it out and that he hopes I can get help for my abrasive attitude.  I told him that I was willing to do this, but the comments by his family have given me pause.  I find myself wondering if everyone feels this way about me.  (And whether my husband shares their feelings.) Then I think that if we do manage to fix our marriage, will I always have to deal with his family members’ smug looks and comments?  It seems that I am in a no win situation. And it hurts.  I feel doubly wounded.”

I’m sorry that this has happened to you.  I know that this is hurtful and this sort of situation is a major reason that I don’t advocate inviting other people to give their opinions.  Sometimes, people don’t think before they speak.  Although the comments were very hurtful, you have to keep things in perspective.  And you have to ask yourself how much this all really matters.

Because what makes up the bottom line in regards to your own marriage really is the opinions of two people – yourself and your husband.  The rest of the world does not matter in the end.  And this is not the rest of the world’s business.

If you and your husband both want to save your marriage, then what is most important is taking an honest look at yourself and your marriage and fixing what are legitimate complaints.  You can ask yourself if what they are saying has any truth and then you can make the choice to move on.

Because if you indeed need to change some things about how you treat your husband, well then that’s a vital thing to know.  Nothing says you can’t use this to your advantage and make those changes, but beyond that, your husband’s family do not get a say regarding his marriage.

I know that it’s tempting to look at their opinions and to think that because of people’s perceptions about you, then your marriage doesn’t stand a chance.  Never forget that people have their own agendas and sometimes, when they say hurtful things, this has as much to do with them than it does to do with you.  Perhaps your husband’s daughter still wants her parents together. Perhaps his mother prefers his first wife.  There could be reasons (other than you or your marriage) for these mean comments.

And in the end, so long as your husband becomes happy with his marriage to you, it doesn’t make a hill of beans what other people think.  So as hard as it may be, you truly have to edit out the opinions of others.  What they say or think does not matter.  Take whatever validity their words may have and leave the rest behind.

Going forward, you may have to lay out new boundaries.  If you want to do this you could try: “well I hear and appreciate your opinions, but my marriage is really my own concern and no one else’s.  I’m happy to discuss other things with you, but moving forward, my marriage is not going to be a topic of conversation and it’s going to be off limits.  We’re all too close to it to be objective and we will have to find other things to discuss that are not so hurtful and personal.”

If you think it would be more effective for your husband to have this conversation with them, then ask him to do it.  But don’t spend too much time dwelling on them.  It’s not worth it.  And your attention should be turned toward your husband and your marriage, if your goal is to save it moving forward.

I made the mistake of confiding in a few people who just could not keep their opinions to themselves after my husband’s affair.  It hurt and it slowed my progress because it made me doubt myself.  For a while, I had to limit my contact with these hurtful people until I gained a little more confidence.  I decided not to give them anymore power over me and I’ve never regretted that. You can read more about how I handled things like this on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

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