Should I Email My Husband’s Mistress After Learning About The Affair?

By: Katie Lersch:  Many wives at least have the fleeting idea to reach out to the other woman in the affair.  This is usually because they want information from her.  They want to know what happened and why.  They want to know what information the husband provided about the marriage and the wife.  They want to know the state of the relationship now.  And they want for the other woman to know the truth.  They want for her to know that yes, the husband had a wife and a family and that now, because of the other woman’s selfishness, this is all in jeopardy.

These thoughts are understandable.  It’s completely natural to have curiosity about and anger toward her.  It’s completely natural to want to confront her with these feelings. But not all wives put this into action.  Many are afraid of what they might find out.  Others are afraid of what they might do if they actually came face to face with this person.  That’s why some are intrigued by the social media or email forms of communication. That way, there’s an easier out when things go wrong and at least you don’t have to look at her.

Someone might ask: “I actually found the other woman (who my husband has been cheating with) on Facebook.  From there, I was able to get her work email.  Of course, my husband does not want me to contact her.  But I think part of that is that he is afraid of the information that I might obtain.  He claims that he’s afraid that she will try to hurt me emotionally because he says that she can be mean and vindictive.  He also says that she’s not happy about him breaking it off.  I’m a big girl and I can handle it if she’s less than kind to me.  But I’m not sure if she’s going to give me the information that I want.  Still, does it really hurt to try?  Should I email her?”

I will be upfront and admit that I never encourage a wife to contact or to  confront the other woman.  The reason for this is that I actually never see it doing any good.   These two women often want very different things from this transaction.  The other woman can feel defensive.  The wife can feel indignant.  Most of the time, neither woman has heard good things about the other.  Under these circumstances, it can be very hard to have a productive conversation.  And frankly, some of the time, when the other woman senses that you want information, that’s when she figures out what your currency is and that is when she becomes determined to hold that information close to the vest.

A lot of the time, she is determined not to give you what you want.  And that can leave you more frustrated than when you started.  I’ve even had wives tell me that she flat out lied or actively tried to hurt the wife or to cause more conflict.  Who needs that in their life?  Who wants to invite more pain into an already painful situation?

That said, I understand why this option is tempting.  You feel that you need information.  However, in my experience, there is a better way to get accurate information without needing to let this person into your life.  Often, a skilled counselor can get you the information that you need from your husband simply because the counselor needs the same information that you do in order to help you begin to heal your marriage.

This way, you don’t have to stoop to asking someone who has hurt you so much for something that she may not give.  When you do that, you put her in a position of power.  That’s why I’d never advocate emailing her, (although I know that some people truly can not resist.)  I understand that emailing does allow more distance than a face to face meeting.  So I do understand the draw.  But it also requires a lot of discipline.  Because if she gets started with hurtful or destructive texts or emails, you’re going to need the discipline to not only delete them, but to ignore her if she continues to try to contact you.  What if she starts emailing you every single day with nasty comments? (Because when you reach out to her, she now has access to your contact information.  It is a 2 way street.)  I’m sure that there are some wives out there who have the kind of discipline to tune her out, but I don’t think I would have.  My emotions were just so raw at that time.  Which is why, although I was tempted, I’m very glad that I never allowed this other person into my own personal space.  It was just one additional problem that I did not need.  (You can read the rest at I do understand the temptation, but I’ve just never seen it work out well.  It’s better to get the information from your husband and then to allow your counselor to confirm what he’s said or to call him on anything that doesn’t quite make sense.

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