Should I Know All Of The Details Of My Husband’s Cheating

by: katie lersch: I recently received an email from a wife who was very frustrated because her husband would not give her all of the details about his recent cheating on her. He would basically only tell her the time frame in which it happened in, how long it lasted, and that ultimately he had decided that he wanted to save the marriage and could assure her that he loved her, wanted to be with her, and would never cheat again.

This little bit of information was not nearly enough for the wife. This didn’t even begin to work for her. In short, she wanted to know everything. She wanted to start with who the other woman was, where he met her, the places they went and what they did, and exactly what the relationship was based on and what it consisted of. And this was just for starters. Eventually, she wanted to know which friends, coworkers, or family members were in on this. She wondered just what it was about this other person that attracted her husband. And she wanted to know what made this relationship something that he would risk his marriage for.

Both spouses likely felt that they were doing the right thing. The wife had a right to most of the information that she was seeking. But the husband was right to want to spare the wife pain and to keep some of the more hurtful information (that didn’t have any bearing on moving forward) to himself. I will discuss this more in the following article.

The Things About His Cheating That You Deserve To Know: First off, I’m usually going to sympathize with the person who was cheated on, since I was in this position myself. I know what this person wants to know and why they want to know it. When you have been betrayed in this way, you begin to doubt whether your knowledge of your relationship and your place in it is even approaching accurate.

So you feel that you’re going to need for him to fill in the holes so that you have a clearer vision of true reality. And you have every right to know who the other woman was. You’ll understandably want to know if this was someone that you knew and if your husband is still in contact with her. You need to know if the relationship is completely over and if she is completely out of the picture. And, you will want to and need to know the circumstances that lead up to this so that you’re eyes will be open should the same circumstances present themselves in the future.

Usually at this point, you’re trying to determine just how bad this all was. You want to make sure that he used protection so that your health is not in danger. You want to know how many lies he told you and for how long. You want to know exactly what his feelings are for this woman and where they stand now. You need this information to evaluate the level of the betrayal to determine how you want to proceed. This is completely understandable and in my opinion, you’re most certainly entitled.

The Things Like You Likely Want To Know About His Cheating That Might Not Do Any Good: Sometimes when you get the answers that you really do need to know, this turns out to not be enough. You still worry that you are in the dark and that you’re missing something. Understandably, some women become quite obsessed with the details. They want to know even the tiny details like what were their pet names for one another, exactly what they did and where they did it. Although I do understand why you want to know these things, I can tell you from experience that these are the tiny details that really don’t do any good. They only feed your obsession and make you feel worse about yourself and your situation. They are a road to no where.

They will only feed your insecurities and contribute to your dwelling in places that will bring you even further down. It’s always a good idea when you have an urge to continue to demand answers to ask yourself if his response is going to move you toward healing and honest evaluation or is going to lead you to place of insecurity and more pain.

The Short Version Of What You Need To Really Evaluate Your Situation: Here’s the best nutshell version I can give you. Yes, you absolutely need and deserve to know what type of cheating and situation you are dealing with. You need to know the things that are going to help you to determine what type of behavior you are up against in order to decide if you want to save the marriage.

You need to understand where his commitment and his loyalty now lies. You need to know how he plans to help you work through this and which safeguards he intends to use to keep this from happening again. But, it will likely only hurt you and keep the cycle going if you ask those small details about the other woman’s personality and appearance that cause the painful comparisons that really don’t do anything to help you heal.

I know that dealing with his cheating and the doubts can be very challenging and painful, but it can truly be worth it. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at

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